Barstool Power Rankings: The Chick-fil-A Witch Hunt
ATTN: FROM THE DESK OF A GUY WHO ONLY TOOK ONE CHICKEN SANDWICH
Just when I was getting on a streak for the power rankings, I forget to take my adderall and miss week. Which is truly devastating, because I know you guys were all waiting on bated breath for this literary master peace. But rest easy because we’re back and this keyboard is about to be smoldering because of offendingly bad spelling and viscously lukewarm takes. So grab your reading glasses, and put some ice on the servers, because this blog is about to explode like a Bills Mafia on the Fourth of July.
As usual it was an eventful week here at Barstool. Dave got licked down by Stu Feiner, the chiclets boys came to town, White Sox Dave wrote an even worse blog than this one, Dave made it to the floor of the U.S. Congress, and we had a major controversy thanks to some free Chic Filet sandwiches. Enough talk, let's do this before I lose focus and check instagram.
5.) White Sox Dave vs. Logic:
When thinking of the people I work with I have found that I unintentionally place them into categories. For example, there are the people I sit by and am close with. The people I don’t sit by but am also close with. The people I don’t know at all and awkwardly say hi to in the hallway. The people that are masters at oral (Youngstown Bob). And finally there are the the village idiots, who’s current population is: White Sox Dave.
Now I take no pleasure in calling WSD a village idiot, because it insults his acumen. But as a journalist, I am forced to investigate a blog where you manage to form an argument entirely hinged upon stats while using stats that disproved your point. A truly jaw dropping strategy.
In situations like this you will often hear the phrase “geniuses are often misunderstood during their time.”
Geniuses never use that phrase.
Regardless, I think this scene from Billy Madison is appropriate.
If you want to go deeper into WSD canon read carls blog.
https://www.barstoolsports.com/chicago/reflecting-on-my-favorite-whitesoxdave-moments
P.S. Does God want to smite White Sox Dave?
4.) Spittin’ Chiclets in NYC:
The Chiclets boys came into town this week which always stokes my flame because I basically tried to be the Walmart version of Biz when I played college hockey. But pipe dreams aside, they came into town to bank some interviews and promote the illustriously delicious Pink Whitney. Also, it’s always great when Whitney comes to town because him and Dave inevitably get into an olympic level competition for who can be a more typical Bostonian. Just watch the footage.
I don't think Biz realizes the hell storm that would come along with beefing with Tiko Texas. As I have said before, that is like picking a fight with a human spider who sounds like a scarecrow.
3.) Dave hits the Floor of Congress:
Just when we thought that the union kerfuffle was behind us Dave’s troll magnum opus came out of the coffin like the undertaker. Imagine being a legitimate congressmen preparing for a government speech and you pull a tweet from someone named @stoolpresidente as a serious part of your deposition.
My mom always calls me after Stool Scenes comes out, and honestly her takes are usually deadly spot on with no context, but explaining this one to her will surely be surreal.
What a world.
2.) Ali Larter Lick off:
This graphic story of whip cream camaraderie all started last week Dave and Big Cat really got their tires spinning during the Thursday night sports advisors.
I can honestly tell you that they had no intention of doing this bet beforehand. Things legitimately escalated quickly and we ended up with this.
Now I was surprised to see Stu so apprehensive to doing this. Granted he wasn’t even there for the formulation of a bet involving him, but licking nipples is so squarely on brand for him I don’t think it was wrong of Dave and Big Cat to make the bet.
If you made a pie chart of Stu’s content it would be 40% gambling, 10% yelling, 5% tuxedos, and 45% eating ass and licking clit. Is that 100%? Who cares tack on on another 5% for sweating.
And that is not hyperbole. This is literally the towel he gave me last week that is sitting on my desk.
So seeing him so skiddish was perplexing but as you can expect, he did it and it was as horrifying as Tiko Texas’ belly button.
1.) SandwichGate:
On Wednesday Whitney bought the whole office burgers to remind all of us how much money Sydney Crosby made him. And even though it was a very nice gesture there were foreshadowings of problems to come.
So the next day Biz decided he wanted to remind everyone that he is also rich, and got all of us Chic Filet.
And he was pretty proud of himself. Fair enough, we have a lot of people and it is a very nice gesture. In fact, he felt so good that he confidently asked Dave “When have you ever gotten all of these people lunch?”
To which Dave responded. “Biz, you know what I have given all these people? Lives. I have given 250 people lives.”
Alright then! Good Vibes!
Anyways, I feel it is important to highlight the fact that the day before when Whitney got us burgers we had extras. So when Biz’s Chic Filet showed up I assume everyone thought it was going to be the same case. Classic recency bias. And sure enough before we knew what was happening we had a major shortage. But the real catalyst is that Dave did not get a sandwich. So at that point, anyone who took two sandwiches was first class on a train to fuckedville.
So once that happened it was on, and the office turned into 1692 Salem. Forget being burned at the stake, the office I felt like it was the Tekashi 69 trial because people were snitchin! They even framed Youngstown Bob!
But to be fair, it seemed everyone who took two came clean. But without the office capture we will never know for sure (thanks all Biz).
It was just so sad to see so many people hand me free content for stool scenes. Just falling on their swords for the greater good. So, I would like to say thank you, on behalf of the whole Stool Scenes team, to all of the people that were selfish enough to take two sandwiches. We may even take all of you out to lunch for it, but probably not.
That’s all I have folks, have a good weekend and be careful when you try to grab seconds at lunch.