Chicks Are Buying String To Tie Around Their Waist That Magically Makes Them Lose Weight

(News) — The answer to successful slimming could be – apparently – as simple as a piece of string. At least, that’s what the manufacturers of a special adjustable waist cord would have us believe. The device – imply a silver string worn around the waist – is designed to give weight watchers a gentle nudge when they’ve had enough to eat. While the concept dates to the ancient Egyptians, the cord, called the Malory Band, has hit the high street for the first time. Its adjustable button-hole system means it can be made to get smaller as its wearer hopefully does. If they eat too much, it presses on their waist. Wearing the band constantly, even after you’ve reached your goal size, will help retain your new shape. And at $60 (£39.95), one would hope for some pretty special string. According to the makers, the cord does not stretch, fray, rub, rot or retain water, and therefore can be worn in the shower.

Here is an industry that will never die: the keep chicks skinny field. It’s been around for centuries and it’s never going anywhere. Best racket going. Anyone who’s ever read a “Safest Careers for the Future” article just needs to go this route. Chicks will do literally anything to get skinny. Doesn’t matter what, as long as there’s the idea that it will make them look like the chick on the cover of Cosmo this month. There have been ideas anywhere from corsets that suck in the fat to pills that make you uncontrollably shit yourself (Alli) to simply tying a rope around your gut. It genuinely doesn’t matter. You don’t need FDA approval, you don’t even need a doctor to say it’s a great idea. All you need is a skinny girl doing it in your ad. Chicks will buy it and you will never be poor. 60 bucks for a rope that tells me when I’ve eaten so much in a single sitting that my stomach has actually expanded? Well worth it.

PS – have I ever told you my beach diet cleanse idea? You only eat celery, drink cranberry juice, and you also dip. Celery because you burn more calories chewing it than there are in it. Cranberry juice because it’s a diuretic. Dip because it makes you not hungry and makes you shit. I swear I’m on to something here. Do that for two weeks and you’ll be so beach ready it’s nuts. Or dead. But hey, rather be dead than fat, right?