Happy 85th Birthday to the GOAT of Sexiness, Sophia Loren
There are not a lot of 85-year-olds who qualify as Birthday Tribute Post-worthy. But then again, there’s no one else turning 85 of whom you can say they might be the most attractive person who’s ever lived. I can not only say that about Sophia Loren, I’ll fight any man who says otherwise.
If you could do an all time Fantasy Draft of celebrity women who are … well, Fantasies, and select them from any era, I think I’d take Sophia Loren as my No. 1 overall. She’s got competition, which I’ll include at the end. And obviously none of us saw her in her prime and it’s only natural to be partial to the ones you grew up on. But I’m convinced that if I was of the Korean War generation and she helped guide me into adulthood, it wouldn’t even be close. You could have your Marilyn Monroes and Audrey Hepburns or whoever. Loren would be my whole starting rotation.
In her day, she was the very personification of sexiness. Unrepentant. Unapologetic. Comfortable-in-her-own skin sexiness. Of enjoying all the pleasures of this life with a give-no-damns way. Of getting drunk on good wine and stuffed on good food and doing it like a couple of crazed weasels while watching a sunset on a hillside in Tuscany, to hell with the consequences.
It’s a cliche among older guys that the ladies in their day could do more by keeping their clothes on than today’s actresses can going full frontal. In Loren’s case, it’s objectively true:
Advertisement
One of my favorite Dennis Miller bits ever is this old one about how you can tell if your teenager is gay by showing him the film “Boy on a Dolphin.” And if he watches the scene where Sophia Loren climbs out of the water:
… and he wants to have sex with the boat captain? Then OK. He’s definitely gay.
I can’t imagine what it was like to be a guy in a still repressed America and being presented with this Mt. Vesuvius of hot magma on a movie screen. I just know that they got to witness the GOAT of beautiful actresses in her prime the way I got to see Jordan, Gretzky and Brady. And I hope they appreciated the privilege as much as I would have.
Advertisement
Advertisement
And finally, here’s probably my favorite. This all time classic one of Loren and Jayne Mansfield that they Easter Egged on “Modern Family.”
And just to pay off the tease about who else I might consider drafting first in an all-time draft:
Raquel Welch:
Monica Bellucci:
Kate Beckinsale:
Everyone else is getting 2nd round consideration.
Buon 85th Compleanno to the GOAT.