Grading The Mariano Rivera Gifts

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The Mariano Farewell tour is almost over. The Yankees will be eliminated tonight and the season ends this weekend and then hopefully I never have to see Mariano Rivera ever again. Him announcing his retirement a season early to ensure this dick sucking parade and ensure the Yankees can cash in on ever “Last Mariano” moment has been one of the most nauseating things ever. It was nauseating when Chipper did it. Its sickening with Rivera, and when it happens for Jeter I’m going to just jump into an electrified swimming pool. Over the past 6 months Mariano Rivera has been showered with more shitty gifts than humanly imaginable. I’ve been waiting till its all done. Its finally time to grade them.

San Diego: Mexican Gangbanger Low Rider Bicycle

New York Yankees v San Diego Padres

Thanks guys! Now when I decide to join Crips or the Bloods after retirement I’ll fit right in. I can cruise around with all my cholo Mexican friends and be the coolest.

Someone find Mariano a dumpster big enough to hold this bike. Grade: F.

San Francisco: Mural of him painting and a guitar signed by Willie Mays

San Francisco Giants v New York Yankees


Sick! An electric guitar signed by my favorite rock star Willie Mays! Oh wait he was a baseball player? Why the fuck would he sign a guitar? And am I really going to hang a cartoon of myself somewhere?

I’d like to smash Mariano’s face with that guitar. Grade: F.

Detroit – Plaque and dirt from the mound

Mariano Rivera, Jim Leyland

Nice more pictures of myself and you’re literally giving me dirt. Maybe next time you can just package some garbage for me too?

Give this shit to Steiner Sports for some sucker asshole to spend $1,000 on it. Grade: D-

Dodgers: Fishing Rod


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I’m assuming this is a functioning fishing rod, not some gold plated shit you’re supposed to hang on the wall? If so, great gift. Something Mariano will actually probably use. Grade: A.

Minnesota Twins: Rocking Chair made out of broken bats

New York Yankees v Minnesota Twins

The gift that launched a thousand shitty gifts. This is where it all began. Everyone thought it was a creative cool gift for Rivera. What a piece of shit. “KFC you don’t get it! Mo breaks more bats than any other pitcher with his cutter!” No, I get it. Its just that a rocking chair is a piece of shit gift. Probably had that thing shipped to Panama for his poor relatives to burn to stay warm.

Grade: F, strictly because it launched this whole retirement shower bullshit.

Oakland A’s: Surfboard and $10,042 donation to his foundation

New York Yankees v Oakland Athletics


Do they even surf in Oakland? Thought it was just a bunch of black people and violence? Oh well whatever. The cash donation is the real gift. Money for his charity. Grade: A.

Cleveland Indians: Gold Metallica Record

Mariano Rivera


You know Mariano Rivera doesn’t give a fuck about the Enter Sandman song right? Like years back when that absurd Billy Wagner Sandman controversy started Mariano didn’t give a single shit about it. Yankee Stadium started playing it after they heard Trevor Hoffman’s Hells Bells entrance. If it was up to him he’d probably have some Panama salsa music or some shit.

Gold record for a song he probably hates. Grade: F.

Boston Red Sox: Painting of himself, 42″ placard used on the Fenway Park scoreboard whenever he pitches, an original seat from the ballpark and a pitching rubber from the bullpen.

New York Yankees v Boston Red Sox

Here’s a bunch of stuff from the ballpark of the team you never played for.

Should have given him an honorary 2004 World Series ring. And I absolutely respect the shit out of the Red Sox for making the entire ceremony about Boston and nothing to do with Mo. For that, and only that, they get a C.

Baltimore Orioles: Metal Broken Bat art

New York Yankees v Baltimore Orioles

Scrap metal. Awesome.

At least its small enough to just hang on the wall somewhere. Grade: D-

New York Mets: Fire hose nozzle, Fire Department Call Box

Mariano Rivera

A fucking fire nozzle? I’m not even sure what that is. What is the point of that. Fire Nozzle Grade: F.

I actually like the fire department call box. Its like the bullpen phone. Thats what the Yankees should have given him – The Yankee Stadium Bullpen Phone. I like the FDNY/NYC twist turning it into a call box. Grade: A.

Average: C

Los Angeles Angels: Life size painting of himself

2013 Season, Game 68: Los Angeles Angels vs New York Yankees


What do these people expect Mariano do to with all these paintings of himself? Like is the dude building a shrine to himself at home? What is he gonna do with 50 pictures of his own face? This is the shit that fanboys spend like $200 a pop on to hang in their “mancave.” Its not for the actual player himself. Christ.

Grade: F.

Bottom Three:

Texas Rangers: Cowboy Hat and Boots

John Wetteland, Joe Nathan, Mariano Rivera

Thanks for this shit I will never, ever, ever wear!


Blue Jays: Eskimo inuit fisherman sculpture

New York Yankees v Toronto Blue Jays

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Perhaps the most depressing gift I’ve ever seen. I can’t think of anything worse than being an Inuit fisherman. Sitting in like 23 hours of darkness 10 months a year fishing in the ice to make a living. Terrible. Not even Inuit fisherman would think this is a cool gift.

Looks like a school project. Mariano probably gave it to one of his kids to turn in as homework. Grade: F-

Tampa Bay Rays: Enter Sandman Sand Castle

Mariano Rivera


What a complete pile of shit. Maybe the worst gift in the history of exchanging presents. Here’s a fucking sand castle sculpture that looks absolutely nothing like you! Like seriously it doesn’t look even slightly like you. “Because you’re sandman. Get it?? What do you think!”

Even Mariano looked at this thing like “Hmmm. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?” Its a pile of fucking sand. Grade: F minus x infinity.