I Spent My Day At A Ukranian Catholic Church Praying To God The Cubs Don't Die Today
Hit it carl
Listen boys I’ve never needed a win as bad as I need this win. I’m so desperate I’m willing to suck your dad’s dick to get over the finish line. Keyword: willing. Not handing out blowjobs yet but you know where this one’s headed.
Point is we’re pulling out all the stops. Literally every single stop you can pull out is getting pulled out right now: Catholic Ukranian Churches, bike helmets, lucky shirts, Tony Rizzo in the leadoff spot, Yu Darvish on the mound. The whole enchilada is in play this afternoon and goddamn do we need the Cubs to show up. Bad.
You know who else needs a win?
The Cubs social media team:
Don’t tell me on the heels of yet another September failure of epic proportions that I’ve got overpriced ticketing opportunities for games that *probably* won’t happen at this point. But I get it. They got a job to do much like me which is why I’ll be on the postgame live again taking the boys over the finish line.
In the meantime, I don’t love the Cubs -1.5 but if there’s a game they win by 2 or more runs it would have to be today. That’s why you hit Rizzo leadoff and that’s why you let Schwarber eat in the 3 hole. The big fella is hungry and god almighty as my witness (seriously tho I was just at church) I know the Cubs are showing up today.
Why?
History is on our side:
Don’t tell me that 21 years ago, #21 hit #60 and then expect me not to pound the Cubs. Granted the Cubs are complete morons for pretending Sammy doesn’t exist and we didn’t love him forever. But even so. They can ignore him all they want – I won’t on this momentous day when the Cubs need every ounce of goodwill imaginable.
We got a game today.
And the other pitcher isn’t very good.
