I Guess No One Wanted to Talk to Belichick About the Dolphins

So I guess “We’re working on Miami” is the long awaited sequel to “We’re onto Cincinnati”? It’s sort of a recycled, slightly tweaked version of an earlier hit. Like when Steely Dan wrote “Rikki Don’t Lose That Number” and Phil Collins did “Billy Don’t You Lose My Number.” Or how John Mellencamp took an old standard like “I Fought the Law and the Law Won” and wrote “I Fight Authority and Authority Always Wins” and hoped no one would notice. But you can’t really plagiarize yourself, so let’s agree it’s like Pat Benetar doing “Love is a Battlefield” and then mining gold out of “Sex is a Weapon.” But I’m getting away from my point.

My main point is, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it now, is that of all of Bill Belichick’s superpowers, none compares to his ability to defuse a situation. To take a raging controversy and let all the air out of it (pun intended). He’s quite simply the best there has ever been at it, in any walk of life. If he wasn’t born to be a football coach, he could be serving his country as the greatest spokesman the White House has ever seen.

Reporter: “Mr. Secretary, the President was clearly seen snorting cocaine and waving a pistol around in the Rose Garden while violently dragging his gay lover onto Marine One and then tossing his body out at the end of a rope above the National Mall like F. Murray Abraham in ‘Scarface.’ How do you explain his behavior?”

Press Secretary Belichick: “I’m not going to get into the specifics of yesterday. The economy is strong. The quarterly job numbers are good. We’re looking forward to the G7 Summmit.” [snnnooorrrk]

Better yet, there’s not a man among us who couldn’t use these skills in the middle of a nasty argument when he’s totally in the wrong. You’ve totalled the car? You lost all the money in the savings account on college football? She’s found porn on your phone? Distract. Deflect. Focus on the positives. Point out the parts of the car that aren’t wrecked. Mention the money you didn’t take out of checking. How about all the texts you’ve gotten that aren’t bewb shots sent to you by the girl you used to date and still stay in touch with? This is a masterful performance and one we should all try to learn from.

I mean, give the man credit. He tried. He came out firing on no cylinders. Tried to lull the room to sleep with all that talk about how great the Dolphins are. B-Flo and his coaching staff. The tight ends. Backs. Receivers. Christian Wilkins. Somehow though, he just couldn’t get the conversation to linger on Miami’s outstanding kicking game by the uncooperative media horde.

Still, try as they might, they couldn’t make the man crack. He’s unbreakable. He’s got a will made out of the same material as Thor’s hammer, forged by giant dwarves from a special metal made from the heart of a dying star. Spygate couldn’t get him to let his guard down. Neither could Deflategate. The Tim Tebow media circus was powerless against his defenses. Hell, he handled Aaron Hernandez. A little thing like the most controversial sports figure of 2019 involved in a major blowup three days after walking in the door should be child’s play for him. And it was. Thank god for him and his mastery of these situations. I just wish like hell we didn’t need them so often.