Multiple Miami Dolphins Have Reportedly Already Asked Their Agents To Get Them Traded Out Of Miami After The Ravens Kicked Their Dicks In Yesterday

PFT- Losing 59-10 at any level of football leaves a mark. In Miami, it’s sparking a mutiny. Per a league source with knowledge of the situation, multiple Dolphins players contacted their agents after Sunday’s season-opening blowout loss and directed them to attempt to engineer trades elsewhere. The players believe that the coaching staff, despite claiming that they intend to try to win, aren’t serious about competing and winning and by all appearances have bought into the notion that the Dolphins will take their lumps now in the hopes of laying the foundation via high draft picks for building a successful team later.

Wow, this appears to be quite a conundrum for Spencer to navigate through on the next episode of Ballers. Time to hit the music!

Oh wait, this is real life. Hold on and let me wait for the dopamine to wear off after hearing the best intro in the TV game.

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Still waiting…

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Okay much better. So we are not even one full week into the NFL season and there may already be a full blown revolt taking place in Miami. To be honest, I don’t blame the Dolphins players for asking off of this sinking ship before it hits the sandy ocean floor right off of South Beach. In the NBA you can tank a season away and not many of the players will complain because their contracts are guaranteed and you can try to get your numbers up as your team tries to lock up every ping pong ball possible. But unless you are a superstar in the NFL, you are extremely dispensable while playing a sport that is essentially involves you getting into multiple car accidents every Sunday that could end your career and may or may not turn your brain into soup for the longterm. Landing a franchise QB by hook or by crook is the easiest way to ensure your team will become a contender for years to come (at least as long as you don’t allow him to get hit like a pinata, Ryan Grigson). But half the players that lose the games necessary to get that number 1 pick probably won’t be there even by the time said QB is drafted. Add in that these players reportedly said that they would revolt if Laremy Tunsil was traded mere days before he was traded and you have yourself a recipe for a full-blown dumpster fire situation, which I know a thing or two about as a Mets/Knicks/Giants fan.

So I can understand why these Dolphins players are mad their team appears to be “organically tanking”. We all thought this season was going to be bad for the Phins, but I don’t think any of them thought it would be 59-10 against the Ravens and turning Lamar Jackson into Patrick Mahomes II.0 on Opening Day bad. And next week they get to host the team that just won the Super Bowl and kicked the shit out of the Steelers on national television while also getting to unveil their newest weapon, who hopefully will dust off these fire cleats before drubbing the Phins.

Speaking of Antonio Brown, I think these Dolphins players should look to him for their strategy moving forward. Asking your agent to demand a trade is such an antiquated move. The modern day NFL player dyes his mustache gold, freezes his feet off, talks shit about his team on social media, and threatens bodily harm to his GM while maybe calling him a C-word (no, the other one). If you want to take it back to the NBA analogy, these Dolphins can pull a Jimmy Butler and try to embarrass the rest of the team at practice by beating the starters with the bench players or wear a That’s All Folks shirt. But I don’t think there is really any difference between the starters and the backups on the Dolphins and it’s way too early in the season for a shirt like that to make sense.

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Unfortunately for these players, they are probably going to have to learn to embrace The Suck, try to enjoy being a millionaire in Miami, and deal with what may be the most embarrassing stretch in Miami Dolphins history since Roger Podactor’s murder and the kidnappings of both Dan Marino and Snowflake the week of the Super Bowl. And while I usually wouldn’t care about a team’s well-being in Miami since I hate the Heat and love a good matchup for fantasy football purposes week in and week out, it also dramatically hurts our chances to see the Victory Worm any time soon.

At least Dolphins fans are taking this already shitty season in stride.

#TankForTua #HurtSomeoneForHerbert