The Sexification of America

KB9/05/2019 4:00 PM

After penning my first true crime digital novel, The Curious Case of the Boy Who Cummed on the Sea Otter, and seeing the immediate and overwhelming critical acclaim it received, I realized something very important about the media and entertainment industry.

Sex sells.

Whether it's a rich, hot girl vocal frying into a microphone about sucking the syphilis out of a J-list celebrity's weiner hole, or a poor, short guy pecking into WordPress about his fictional 7th grade classmate violently ejaculating onto a Zoobooks magazine, people can't get e-fucking-nough of it. Sex, that is. People are biologically incapable of consuming too much sex! Just look at the top 3 books on the New York Times' Best Seller list if you don't believe me. They all heavily involve sex.

Now, check out the top 3 podcasts in the world.

It's no secret that "1619" is at the tippy top of the charts because it's hosted by two loved ones who decided to finally mix it up with some 69 one day and ended up becoming severely addicted to the sex position, to the point where listeners get to hear the slurps and burps of the couple 69ing within at least 30–40 minutes of every episode.

And we all know "Over My Dead Body" is so successful because it's the narrative of a budding necrophiliac who attempts to cope with the tragic death of his soulmate by having repetitive missionary sex with her lifeless body.

And the number 3 podcast in the world, "Bardstown", predictably skyrocketed to widespread popularity by detailing Jim Bards' scandalous 1970s sex cult and the infamous "Bardstown Assacre" that ensued after he forced his members to drink a mysterious juice laced with GHB.

And the number one unreleased podcast in the world, "Call Him Mommy", depicts the sexual awakening that a socially awkward Survivor fan fiction writer experienced when he obtained an abundance of "residual pussy" after indirectly appearing on Saturday Night Live.

…So now that there's clear evidence of what separates the big dogs from the rest of the pack, you'd think that other podcasts would make the strategic executive decision to "sexify" their content. Here are a few quick ideas for some shows off the top of my head:

The Joe Rogan Sexperience

After doing an abnormally large dose of DMT and becoming the first person in human history to ever have sex with God (in a non gay way), Joe Rogan starts a brand new podcast to recount his divine sexual experience and have in depth discussions about the mental and physical benefits of fornicating with the Lord. He also chats with like-minded guests who claim to have fucked other religious deities while high.

The Filling of Marilyn Monroe

I'd be willing to bet that the sexual promiscuity of this worldwide pop icon would be significantly more profitable than her death.

NPR's resident nympho Steve Inskeep weighs in on the pros and cons of being the "conductor," or first in line, when "running a train" on a consenting participant.

NPR host Shankar Vedantam talks about the ancient art of discreetly receiving oral sex in public spaces.

Kissing, F***ing, and Cuddling (KFC) Radio

Kevin and Feits tackle all the juicy details of Hookup Culture's "Holy Trinity" of romantic maneuvers.

Hard On, My Ache

Two aging hosts riff about the woes of having a painful, medically-induced erection that exceeds four hours.

Foreplay

Riggs and the boys chop it up about hitting the kinks, finding the hole, putting from the rough, and all the other fun stuff that precedes intercourse for common men.

Kithin' Chick Tith

Biz, Whit, and co. talk about their glory days of suckin' tits. Also, they developed a lisp for some reason.

Railing Upwards

Two dudes chat about their journey of gradually having sex at increasing altitudes until they ultimately get over their fear of flying and reach their goal of joining the Mile High Club.