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Kim Jong Un Has His Ex Girlfriend Executed By Machine Gun Firing Squad

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(NEWSER) – A pretty jarring report out of North Korea, which claims that Kim Jong Un’s former girlfriend was executed by a machine gun-toting firing squad last week.Chosun Ilbo reports by way of sources in China that Hyon Song Wol (of “Electric Horse-Lady” fame) was arrested on Aug. 17 along with about a dozen others; Hyon was a singer, and a number of the others were members of the Unhasu Orchestra. They stood accused of making a sex tape and selling it and were shot three days later for violating the country’s pornography laws. Says a source, “Kim Jong Un has been viciously eliminating anyone who he deems a challenge to his authority,” though it’s not clear what challenge the musicians may have posed. Chosun Ilbo reports that it’s also unclear if Kim’s wife had anything to do with the deaths; before becoming the Dear Leader’s spouse she was also in that same orchestra. Kim had reportedly known Hyon for about 10 years, and their relationship ended at the orders of Kim Jong Il, though rumors have persisted that the two were having an affairNew Yorkmagazine notes that while it’s “frustratingly” difficult to verify reports like these, the fact that it’s one of South Korea’s main daily papers reporting it lends it a sliver of believability. (More harsh treatment in North Korea: A comedian was recently pulled from the stage and sent to a coal mine.)

Kim Jong don’t fuck around huh! I’m not gonna say I wish any of my ex-girlfriends were put to death by a firing squad. I’m just saying it would be comforting if you could somehow silence your exes. Not have to worry about that time you were crying or that time you experimented with a little back door action during that blow job. All your most embarrassing moments almost always undoubtedly come with your girlfriend. My exes could probably bury me with all sorts of humiliating stories. Like if they were on twitter they could join in with #BarstoolConfessions and ruin my blogging career as I know it.

So now imagine you’re not just an every day dude, but you’re a World’s Supervillain. You can’t have some ex-girlfriend running around with all your darkest secrets. She knows about all your pet names and all the cutesy shit you did behind the scenes. She knows what you “girlfriend voice” is like. You make your living off of fear and intimidation and this chick can talk about the time you held each other in bed and cried or some gay shit like that. She knows exactly how small your dick is. She can talk about every time you prematured after 30 seconds of fucking. Thats a risk you cannot be willing to take. Need to send that bitch to Belize. No half measures.

PS – I just want to reiterate I do not want any of my ex’s shot to death with a machine gun. This was purely a hypothetical comparison.