Boston.com Love Letters - My Ex Is Coming To Visit Me But I Don't Want To Sleep With Him
The Question
Q: I need some advice about an impending visit to my city by an ex-boyfriend. I dated “Brian” in college for about a year. He had liked me for a while and kind of swooped in while I was in an incredibly emotionally vulnerable place and going through a rather traumatic breakup. After about a year of dating, I finally got over it and dumped him. We were in the same group of friends and continued to hang out, and over the years we’ve developed a strong friendship.
Last summer, I was back on the West Coast visiting friends. I had been single for a while, was not feeling particularly connected to anyone, and ended up sleeping with him. It was not expected but we had a good time. Since then, he’s been texting me fairly regularly, and sometimes his messages are suggestive. I do text back, but typically am dismissive of the sexual innuendo. I haven’t told him that the texts occasionally make me feel uncomfortable.
I’ve been living on the East Coast for a few years now and he’s always talked about how he’d like to visit but can’t afford it. Earlier this year, he started talking about visiting again, and I told him it would be great to see him, but I didn’t really take his comments seriously. But then he let me know that he went ahead and booked plane tickets to my city — for a full week in April (he is coming next week).
I am angry that he didn’t actually consult me about when it would work for me to have him visit, or whether I was actually comfortable with him staying with me for that amount of time. I know he can’t afford to stay in a hotel. I don’t know if he has any other friends in the area he can stay with, but I know that he’s assuming that he’s going to stay with me. He’s basically just coming to see me.
To be fair, I’ve slept on couches at his various homes over the years (and last summer in his bed). Despite my frustrations, he’s a good friend of mine and I want to be a gracious host. But at the root of it, I just don’t want to sleep with him. I feel guilty that I haven’t stopped his flirtatious behavior before now, but I didn’t see any harm in it given that we are on different coasts and not headed to be in the same place long term again. I care about Brian a lot and don’t want to ruin the friendship. I know that I need to talk to him before he comes and tell him that I don’t want to sleep with him and he shouldn’t expect anything from me. Do you have any advice for me about how to go about having this conversation?
– how many times do you have to break a heart?, New York
Meredith Hoss Goldstein’s Answer
A: Just be honest. It’s so easy. You don’t even have to be mean. Just say, “I’m excited to see you, Brian, but I’m really busy with school next week. You might have to entertain yourself a lot.” Then add, “I want this visit to be platonic. I should have said something earlier, but I’m just not interested in more than a friendship. There will be no sex. I hope that’s OK. I’ll understand if you want to change your plans because this isn’t the vacation you had in mind.”
Also, run out tomorrow and buy a really nice air mattress. This is why air mattresses were invented. There’s no reason for Brian to get anywhere near your bed.
Readers? Can she ask him to cancel the trip at this point? What should she tell him? Why hasn’t she been more honest? Can they have a friendship? What should happen here? Help her out.
– Meredith
Run out and buy an air matteress! Did Hoss really say that? Is that her advice? BHAAHAH! That has to be the worst advice ever given in the history of Love Letters. Spoken like a true Hoss who has never had a guy fly acorss country to get some pussy. Buy an air mattress! Like that’s gonna stop anything from happening. Too funny. Ok, ok here is the real answer…
El Pres Answer
Dear how many times do you have to break a heart?, New York
First question. If you’re in New York why are you writing to Boston.com? That makes zero sense. But I’ll play along and pretend Hoss didn’t make you up like I’m sure she makes up 99% of her emails. Bottomline is this. If this guy comes to visit he’s gonna fuck you and you’re gonna like it. Doesn’t matter what you tell him prior to his arrival. Doesn’t matter how many air mattresses you buy. He’s going to stick his dick inside of you multiple times. That’s 100% happening. You’re going to drink and fuck. No brainer.
So if you really don’t want this to happen then tell him he can’t come and he can’t stay with you. Tell him that have no interest in seeing him. Tell him you won’t even be in town that week. Because he’s not flying across country to just hang out with a friend. He’s flying to get laid. If he stays over you two will have sex. You know it. I know it. Everybody knows it. And despite all this mumbo jumbo if you let him come that means you wanted it to happen too. It’s pretty straight forward. And as far as worrying about ruining the friendship that’s a non factor. You guys aren’t real friends to begin with. Once he thinks he can’t get laid he’s not gonna want to talk to you either way. Again this is simply about whether you want to get some or not.