A Question For The Female Readers: What The Fuck Is So Special About This Blake Guy?

blake the bachelorette

I was watching Bachelor In Paradise last night on commercials of the Cubs games and this guy was introduced to me. I guess he was on Becca’s season of The Bachelorette and ended that season with him looking like this

blake crying

blake crying 2

Now, I didn’t watch that season of the Bachelorette so this isn’t a commentary on his personality as a whole(not that the bachelor franchise really does a great job of putting that on display anyways), but I do trust Trent’s opinion

Not Bachelor material. Now, historically I get annoyed when any guy gets the attention from attractive girls. That is pretty primal, I think. I am predisposed to hate attractive guys, nothing I can do about that. There are times when I get it though. Ben Higgins…awesome dude. He’s striking in person. That Tyler dude from this past season…super fucking hot. Makes sense. Tip of the cap to your genetics and work ethic required to be hot. Understandable that girls want to procreate with man rockets like that. This guy though…THIS guy

blake the bachelorette

There’s a BILLION guys like this guy. Maybe 2 billion. Go to any college, or bar, or gym in North America and you’ll bump into a Blake Hortssman. Normal looking white dude who isn’t fat (yet) with a bad haircut and shops at Express, Banana Republic, and J Crew. When the Bachelor casting directors are looking to fill their generic white guy quota for the season I totally understand why Blake from Colorado makes the cut. What I can’t understand is why the hottest girls in the history of the franchise are all fighting over him.

The big reveal last night was that he hooked up with Caelynn Miller from Colton’s season

Former Miss North Carolina and a girl hot enough to be memorable from Colton’s season. They meet up at Stagecoach Music Festival and roll around a bit. Caelynn is into it, but she tells America that he had been with Kristina Shulman the night before. Kristina, arguably the hottest girl in the history of the Bachelor

And when I say she’s arguably the hottest, I meant that literally because I remember getting into an argument on twitter with KFC, Kelly Keegs, Trent, Fran, and Ria about who was actually the hottest. It was between Kristina and Hannah G

And guess what…Blake rejecting Hannah sent her into a mental tailspin and she immediately started making out with the first guy who showed her some attention. And then based on the teaser at the end of last night episode…every guy after that too, including…Blake. The girl Blake initially chose over Hannah G…

Stacked pads.

So what is it, girls? Why is this Blake guy able to get literally any girl on that god damn beach that he wants? And don’t say it’s lifting weights. Lifting weights after you’re done playing competitive sports is for suckers. That shit is heavy. Being able to confidently take your shirt off in public is not worth the time it takes to pick things up and put them back down and then pick them up again repeatedly. I want real answers. I am genuinely curious because I think every dude in America realizes that he looks like every other dude in America and we can’t put it together.