Should I Become The Islanders New Mascot, Sparky The Dragon?
Qualifications:
-Outgoing personality
-Strong work ethic, good organization skill
-Flexibility to work days, nights, weekends. – Must be able to work Islanders Home Games and School Assemblies (typically scheduled weekday mornings)
-Good with kids
-Above average skating ability
-Maintaining a good physical condition.
Looking for local candidates that has own means of transportation
Prior Mascot Experience Preferred
Required Computer skills / Word / Excel / PowerPoint
Duties include: Greeting fans, birthday parties, community events, participation in on ice activities as well as other activities during the game. The management of daily/weekly maintenance on all character costumes and uniforms. Other duties include attending promotional appearances and school assemblies throughout the course of the year.
Alright so I jumped on Isles bandwagon and turned the franchise around and for the most part I’ve embraced everything about the franchise. I made the trip all the way out to Nassau. I adopted the Ric Flair WOO! every time their goal horn is blaring. Turned all the guys in the locker room into Stoolies. But Jiminy Cricket this mascot fucking sucks. For God’s sake, he’s the throwaway, leftover scraps from the fucking New York Dragons Arena Football team. That cheap son of a bitch Charles Wang just doubled up on mascot duties. So a team that was the New York Dragons had a mascot named Sparky The Dragon, and they just decided he’s also suffice as the mascot of the Islanders. How does anyone in PR with this franchise still have a job?
Sparky the Dragon is fucking out. I’m redo-ing the Isles mascot and we’re basing it off the 1996 disaster that was the Gorton’s Fisherman:
I will dress up as Gordon, the Fisherman. I may carry a giant hook around like the guy from I Know What You Did Last Summer. And my theme music will be the Downeaster Alexa. When you hear that beat drop you know KFC is about to hit the ice and fuck you up with some hardcore mascot’ing. Now lets get down to business. Am I qualified:
-Outgoing personality – Check. I got that shit in spades.
-Strong work ethic, good organization skill – Strike one. I give myself a C- in both these departments. When you’re a mascot there’s no such thing as Mailtime. So that would be a serious dose of reality. I have zero organization skill. Does this mean organization like “being organized?” I have no idea why a mascot needs to be organized, but I do not have any of those skills.
-Flexibility to work days, nights, weekends. – Must be able to work Islanders Home Games and School Assemblies (typically scheduled weekday mornings) – Check. I have flexibility like you read about. Because the only job on the planet earth thats a bigger joke than being a blogger is being a mascot. I can work days, nights, weekends, 24/7/365.
-Good with kids – I suppose. I prefer to socialize while drinking. I’ll work on this.
-Above average skating ability – Big time strike 2. But here’s my idea – the Ice Girls tow me around the ice in a rowboat. I mean what kind of fisherman fucking ice skates? I’ll be pulled around the ice by a couple smokes like I’m some emperor being pulled in a chariot. Skating won’t be necessary.
-Maintaining a good physical condition. - Fuck. Strike 3. Maybe I can’t do this job after all. I do meet the required computer skills of Word / Powerpoint / Excel. Not sure what Gordon the Fisherman would ever do on a spreadsheet or a slideshow, but I’d be the best computer mascot of all time.
So that’s that, Islanders. There’s my resume. There’s a clear 3 strikes. But depending on if you want to go with the row boat idea, we could knock that down to 2 and I’d qualify. If you don’t choose me, I understand. But for the love of Christ ditch Sparky the Dragon and go with Gordon The Fisherman.