Science Says Hangovers Make You Dumber

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TelegraphA hangover can leave you with more than a sore head in the morning – it impairs the way your brain holds and processes information, according to new research. Anyone who has woken up after a heavy night of drinking will have suspected it already, but it seems a hangover really does affect your ability to think clearly. Psychologists studying hangovers, which they define as the symptoms left behind after alcohol levels in the blood return to zero, have found they impair the way the brain works. The findings indicate that the impact of an excessive night of drinking can last far longer than the time it takes to become sober again. Indeed, anyone who has woken up to be haunted by their actions and behaviour whilst inebriated will know of the misery a hangover can bring. The new research suggests along with the dizziness, nausea and anxiety a hangover can induce, it also leaves the brain itself less able to function. Preliminary findings, which are due to be presented at a conference at Keele University on Thursday, show that suffering from a hangover impacts your “working memory”. This governs the ability to hold information in your mind and to manipulate it, leaving sufferers less able to perform tasks such as mental arithmetic.

Well if science needs any more evidence for this study, you can go ahead and submit me as Exhibit 1A. I don’t think its possible to be any dumber than I am right now. Jeopardy is all I got that challenges the mind. Literally thats it. I don’t do math anymore. I used to be all dialed into the the finance world and excel number crunching and shit. Mental math like a motherfucker when I was on the NYMEX and shit. Now I get hit with a $100 bill at the bar and I struggle to figure out the tip.

I certainly can’t spell. Not only do I rely on the Red Squiggly line but I often ignore it when it pops up. I once spelt Seinfeld “Signfeld.” One time I was attempting to spell the word conniving. My first attempts were “keniving” and “kiniving.” My third attempt, I went with a silent K in the middle, “kikniving.” Just getting “No Suggestions” left and right until I had to Google it.

And forget about reading. I haven’t read a book in a good decade. And thats probably not an exaggeration. I wanna read. I wanna be that guy who reads books. Its just any free time I have, I spend it drinking. I’m either peddling smut on the internet, drinking, or sleeping. Thats honestly it. And my brain is rapidly deteriorating because of it. My body is a piece of shit because I spend all my time drinking instead of exercising, and my brain is a piece of shit because of all the after-effects of drinking. Mind, body and soul crumbling because of the booze. Its the price I pay for basically doing exactly whatever I want at all hours of the day.