“When are you going to finish?”
“Sex is supposed to make us feel closer than ever, but when I hear this, I feel disconnected,” explains Jeff R., 40, from Keller, TX. “Up until that point, I assumed we were both having a good time. When I hear this, I feel like she’s just counting down the seconds until it’s over, which makes me feel horrible.”
“Did you hear the baby? Can you go check?”
“It’s the worst because there’s nothing we can do about it,” says Gabe K., 34, of Los Angeles, CA. “It’s inevitable, and of course, we’re going to go and check, but we’re human – it’s frustrating!”
“Oooh…nope. You were close, though!”
“One of the best parts of sex is seeing her satisfied,” says New Yorker Sean R., 28. “I want her to give me a chance, and when I hear this, I feel like she won’t even let me try, and that my skills are really lacking.”
“Have you always had that mole?”
“I like being looked after, but what can I do right then'” asks New York City’s Sean R., 29.
“We never just talk anymore.”
“I don’t think about talking or not talking,’ says Seth P., 32, from Brooklyn, NY. “And if she says that when I think we’re going to have sex, or right after sex, it feels like she’s implying that I only want her for sex, which isn’t true.”
“I was thinking the kitchen walls would look good in a cream shade. Do you?”
“Because obviously, robin’s egg blue would be so much better!” jokes Joe W., 35, of Cambridge, MA. “Seriously, do I need to explain why this is a terrible thing to say during the action?”
“Do I look like I’ve gained weight?”
“It’s a manipulative question, and there’s no right answer,” fumes Chad C., 42, of Seattle, WA.
“Tell me I’m pretty.”
“I’m not a trained seal,” says Dave W., 36, from Savannah, GA. “It feels weird when a woman tells me what to say. It’s like she wants me to play a part.”
“I have to pee.”
Hold it (not literally!) This one is kind of tricky. “I don’t mind this one occasionally,” admits Sid S., 28, from Hoboken, NJ. “But it does bring down the passion level.”
“Can you do that thing I like?”
“This is something I’ve had so many ex-girlfriends say,” explains Jeff R. “And the truth is, a lot of times, I never knew what she was talking about! All of a sudden, I’m playing a guessing game.”
Ahhh yes. Talking during sex. Chicks might not realize dirty talk is probably as important as the rest of your sex game. You can look good and fuck good, but if you don’t talk good, its all ruined. Or at the very least you’re taking a big hit. Now this list of 10 things are pretty much all completely preposterous. If some chick was talking to me about the kitchen walls as I was fucking her I’d get up and leave. After I finish, of course. But I’d get up and leave. Like bitch I’m trying to redecorate the walls of your vagina, pipe down about wall paper. Point out my moles, talking about checking on the baby, complaining that we don’t talk enough anymore. Get the fuck out of my face. Those are all absurd things to say during sex. Here’s a list of 5 real life things that dudes don’t wanna hear in bed.
5. Nothing. You know whats worse than hearing any of the things on that list? Hearing nothing. Silence in the sack is fucking awful. I’m a pretty loquacious dude. And when I watch porn I like a lot of dialogue. Do you need to be as loud as I am? No. But if the only sounds I can here are my floppy balls slapping against you and my own lungs wheezing because I’m out of shape and winded, it doesn’t exactly enhance the mood. Gimme some moans, some groans. The occasional “fuck me!” Just gimme somethin. Otherwise I might as well go home and fuck my fleshlight.
4- “No.” You know the old sales tip “never take no for an answer?” There should be a rule for chicks “never give no as an answer.” Recognize that literally everything we see in porn, we want to do. We want to do every position and every hole you can think of. We even wanna do that thing where you head dangles upside down off the couch and we have sex with your mouth. If you’re gonna be a prude and don’t wanna do that shit, fine. But don’t give me the Dikembe. Don’t just wave the finger in my face. When I ask for the backdoor and you don’t want to, gimme an alternative. Start S’ing my D mid session or something. I’ll probably forget what I was asking for like 2 seconds earlier. We’re like goldfish in the sack. Don’t just say no, suggest an alternative or take the reins and do some shit that you want to do instead of just straight up rejecting me. Which brings me too…
3 – When you’re trying to talk dirty like “How do you want it?” and the chick just responds “how do you want it?” “Where should I come?” “where do you wanna come?” Like a goddam parrot. I’m trying to get your to talk dirty, bitch! I’m trying to say you wanna get F’d from behind. Trying to find out where I should finish this show. Don’t just re-ask me the same question. Or be prepared for the answer. Because how I really want it is on the couch with Gladiator on the TV and a Bud Light in my hand. “Where do I want to cum?” Take a guess, babe! Either speak up or be prepared for my honest answer.
2. “Make love to me.” This is more of a general theme than the exact quote “make love to me.” Anything about love in general. Love making is for the fucking birds. We smash to feel good. I take out the trash to show you that I love you. We fuck to get our rocks off. I buy you nice shit to show you that I love you. Sex is about having fun and getting rocks. The only time I wanna hear the L Word is if its “I love your D in my A” sort of talk.
1. “Don’t stop!” “Keep fucking me!” “Fuck me harder!” Most chicks are probably like, what?? Thats talking dirty! Thats a girl who wants to get F’d! Yea you’re right. And trust me, I appreciate that. But getting the old “Don’t stop” treatment when you absolutely know you have to stop fucking blows. Fuck you harder? Trust me babe, I’m giving you my best effort. If you want this to last longer than 60 seconds let me control the pace. Having sex is like playing Excite Bike on Nintendo. Yea you can always push the pedal a little further, but you don’t wanna overheat and break down. I probably could fuck you harder. Faster. Longer. But I absolutely know where its going if I do. Anything more than like 15 consecutive hardcore pumps and this isn’t gonna end well for anybody. So I appreciate the enthusiasm. Love that you want more of my D. Great encouragement. But trust me I know my own limits.