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Here's The Only Guy More Miserable Than I Was Last NIght At The All Star Game

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Last night everything started out all fine. Tom Seaver throws out the first pitch to David Wright. Matt Harvey steps in and starts blowing people away. Takes out Cano to add some fuel to the fire. A little bit of fireworks added to the Mets-Yankees fan rivalry.

And then before I know it, its Sweet Caroline with the Corpse Formerly Known As Neil Diamond, which I thought was as embarrassing as it gets. Until 30 seconds later, Enter Sandman starts and Mariano runs out on an empty field for like a 5 hour standing ovation. Turns the place into fucking Yankee Stadium. And then, as if that wasn’t enough, he wins MVP for pitching a scoreless inning of middle relief with a 3 run lead, and comes back on the field for yet another session of ball washing. Honestly, the Mariano farewell tour is probably the most nauseating thing I’ve ever seen. First of all we can cut the shit praising Mariano for how humble he is and how unselfish he is with this year long “I’m gonna retire and the end of the season and give everyone a chance to say goodbye and give me presents.” Chipper Jones and Ray fucking Lewis are the two assholes who did it most recently and Mo is no different. Just retire at the end of the year if you don’t want the whole dog and pony show. Mo seems like a nice enough dude but that doesn’t change the fact that announcing your retirement at the beginning of this season is strictly to get an entire season’s worth of attention.

So on a night that was supposed to be all about Wright and Harvey and the future of the Mets, we end up celebrating the Yankees past. The jokes about “Home team loses, only has 3 hits, David Wright has one of them, and Harvey gets the no decision. Sounds about right” start rolling in. Boring ass game where we celebrate and honor other teams’ players and take the loss. It wouldn’t be Citi Field if it didn’t make Mets fans hate their existence.

And yet despite all of that, that guy sitting with his wife in Mets/Yankees “Happily Married” custom jerseys was undoubtedly more miserable than me. Thats either some sort of public shaming punishment because he’s rampantly cheated on her throughout the years, or he literally got castrated at the altar the day they got married and has endured an entire marriage of these things. Either way, he wins the award last night for most miserable man in New York.