The Next Revolution in Cyber Sex: 'Teledildonic Suits'

SourceThe next generation of artificially intelligent cybernetic companions will bring about a Westworld-style future where some people will actively choose robotic partners over real humans.

Engineers, experts, scientists and philosophers gathered at the Free University of Brussels this week to discuss how we get from here to there, and how we should deal with those huge, far-reaching changes. …

[M]athematician and scientist Rudolf Arnold focused on the human side of sex technology. Teledildonics, the technology of connecting sex toys via the internet for remote erotic play, is to him an important part of mankind’s interconnected future.

He discussed “Play Me” – a new device consisting of a tiny pneumatic anal probe connected to a pressure sensor and a bodysuit with integrated vibrators.

The device would enable people separated by geography or, perhaps, disability to share intense sexual experiences. He explained: “When both partners are wearing the devices, a real-time exchange of emotions and corporeal feelings is possible.”

I read somewhere recently the belief that humankind didn’t become the species we are until we learned to control fire. I have no argument with that theory. But I’ll add that we won’t become the species we want to be until we master Teledildonics.

The human race has been evolving toward remote, distant, contact-free sex in one form or another almost since we came down out of the trees and stood upright. It’s like we’re wired to communicate about sex and do it ourselves from a safe, uncommitted distance more than we are actually doing it, what with all that awkward intimacy, weirdo body positioning, messy fluid exchange, unpredictable odors and the greatest buzzkill: fertilized eggs that will become future babies.

We’ve practically always been this way. What’s the Old Testament but just a collection of stories about sex, sin, lust and debauchery. Kama Sutra is straight up ancient porn. Some of letters ever written were dirty love notes for loved ones to jack it to from across great distances. Shakespeare’s sonnets are very classy, well written erotic fiction. In Nathaniel Philbrick’s “In the Heart of the Sea” he writes about how on Nantucket they’re still finding wooden dildos hidden in the fireplaces of old homes that belonged to the whalers, to keep the wives happy while they were away at sea for years at a whack. What were the very first words ever spoken into a telephone? Alexander Graham Bell breathlessly shouting “Mr. Watson, come here! I need you!” The inspiration 150 years of phone sex.

The article references “Westworld,” but that’s a whole other thing entirely. First of all, sexbots are just machines. But even they have to be interacted with. You’ve got to go through a third party in order to rent or buy one so they’re all up in your business. No, Teledildonics is a much better option. Think “Demolition Man” instead:

Who wouldn’t jump at the chance to have simulated, digital relations with 1990s Sandra Bullock, after they’ve outlawed fluid transfers?

Believe it not, there was a time in the distant past where Woody Allen was considered funny and not just a sad creep who married his stepdaughter. (Seriously. Ask your dad about it.) And he imagined a future where sex was two people going into separate booths in the Orgasmatron.

What is the “Striking Vipers” episode of “Black Mirror” if not two old buddies getting together and deciding to have hetero sex with each other in “Street Fighter”?

So Teledildonic Suits are not only coming, the are our destiny. We’ll figure out how to keep the human race going some other way. But pretend sex over the internet with tiny pneumatic anal probes connected to a pressure sensor and a bodysuit with integrated vibrators is where we’ve been heading all along.