S.T.A.M (Shit That Annoys Me) Volume 1 By Guest Blogger Bluto

Shit That Annoys Me (STAM) Volume 1

I’m just your average guy in his 30’s. And like most people my age, I am more easily annoyed with every passing day. Years ago, I used to look the other way, not letting these seemingly petty incidents get to me.  Now, they drive me into a rage reminiscent of a Hulk mixed with a Mel Gibson video-of-an-audio recording. To be honest, I am equal parts spooked and proud of my incessant hatred. It all comes back to one thing: there are a lot of dumb people in this world, and they do seemingly endless, inexplicable things on a daily basis that get to me. And thus, Shit That Annoys Me (STAM), is born.

The Nudist:

(not this one. Never lucky enough to get this one obviously.)

Sometimes I don’t ignore my alarm when it goes off at 6am. It takes everything I have to get out of bed, throw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, and go to the gym. It’s like the mental hunger games. When you are about 10 steps from the locker room door, you know at that point you are pot-committed. There’s some relief, but also some disdain. Then you open the door, and there’s just disdain. Why? Because the first thing you see is an 80 year old guy who’s been puttering around since 4am, dawning a pair of uncovered, unconstrained 160 year old balls. No boxers, no pants, no towel, no nothing. Just these two barely-suspended, wrinkled orbs, mercilessly taunting you.  Like, what the fuck? Just because you grew up in an era where bathhouses were more popular than running water you just decide to go full-exhibitionist? Does your whole life history become a lie if you just put on a towel?

Meanwhile, the day is ruined six hours in…even someone with the mental toughness of Nelson Mandela couldn’t come back from that sight. There is no rebounding from this. The wonder and intrigue that once compelled you to get out of bed is now gone, and replaced by a dude’s wet paper bag of a scrotum staring you right in the face.

Blind Obedience of a Cross Walk:

We’ve all been there. You are walking home one night, and you come to to the ol’ “do not walk” light at the crosswalk. This time, there are a crowd of people there, forming a flank across the sidewalk not seen since General McClellan led his army into the Battle of Antietam. Here’s the problem: There isn’t a car within 100 miles of the crosswalk. There would be time to unearth Christopher Reeve, revive him, and repair his spine in order to walk across the road before a vehicle would pass (RIP Superman).

You sit there marinating in a haze of disbelief and rage, wondering what these people are thinking. Is it really possible to place such little value on your own time? On their death bed, which I tend to hope is in the not-too-distant-future, is there a chance these people realize they wasted hours or even days of their time, waiting for some predetermined sequence of lights to tell them when to cross an empty street? I’d love to be there, watching them fade off, reminding them they can’t get back that time as they groan in anguish.

Practically speaking, is a cop going to emerge from a police car that isn’t there and ticket them for using common sense? Once the light does change, are they going to cross in unison, and then high-five each other for following the rules once they reach the other side? Even worse, will they judge me as I pierce through their human picket fence and nonchalantly cross the street? Just once I wish they would take a chance…and woefully miscalculate the situation only to be truck-sticked by an Uber driver in a Suburban.

Well there you have it. The first Volume of STAM. Tons more where that came from, gonna get expensive to keep winning charity auctions though.

(Editor’s Note:  “Bluto” was the big winner with the highest bid for the coveted “Guest Blog” auction.   Could have blogged anything he wanted, including just a straight up ad for his company – got a lot of blogger respect for him going the pure blog route, on a subject near and dear to my heart: complaining about shit. 

HUGE thanks to Bluto and to everyone else who came out to the event and/or supported and donated for Blogs For Dogs.)