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My 6 Biggest Beefs With Flying

So as everybody knows I flew to Chicago last weekend for the Big 10 Tournament. During the trip I compiled my top 6 beefs I got with flying. Here they are.

1. I Hate People Who Don’t Power Off Phones When the Stewardess Tells you To Power Off Your Phones

This drives me bonkers. When the Stewardess tells you it’s time to shut off your phones and people just blatantly ignore it. Hey buddy it’s time to shut off your phone. Not in 5 minutes. Now. I shut mine off. You shut off yours. Like what are you better than me? More important than me? No. Shut your phone off amigo.  As a side note the First Lady never shuts her Iphone off when she’s told.   I think Iphone people just think the rules of life don’t apply to them or something.

2. Talkative Pilots

Hey bro I didn’t buy a ticket to Comedy Night at the Apollo. I don’t need you cracking jokes. I don’t need to know our cruising altitude every 10 seconds. I don’t need to know we’re passing over Ohio now. I don’t need to know our arrival time. Do you get that everytime you open your fat mouth my TV freezes. Shut up and fly the plane.



3. Sick People

I swear to god if you even sneeze on my plane I will reach into my soul and pull out the dirtiest look I can possible muster. Just mean mug the shit out of you. Like flying is bad enough without people sneezing and slinging their germs all over the joint. Yeah I know you bought your ticket a long time ago. I know that you didn’t plan on being sick. I don’t care. That’s no consolation when you’re giving me the plague. At the very least the plane should quarantine everybody who sneezes or coughs and stick them in the back of the plane. Cordon them off and just keep spraying disinfectant in their eyes. That’s what I’d do if I owned an airline.

4. Sitting on the Runway

The absolute worst. You just sit there not moving. They won’t let you off the plane They keep yelling at you to keep your seat belt on even though you’re just sitting there. They keep saying it will be 5 more minutes and we appreciate your patience. Shut up dude. I’m not being patient. I’m being held freaking hostage. Listen I can handle delays as long as I’m in the terminal. Once I’m on the plane you better get that bird in the air or I start freaking out something fierce

5. Kids

Is there anything worse than crying kids on a plane? Like you know that face I make for sick people? Well multiply that times a billion and that’s the look I shoot at the parents who have a kid who won’t shut up. You just have no respect for your fellow humans if you bring a crying kid on a plane. And don’t tell me you didn’t know they’d cry either. Bullcrap. You knew your kid was a brat and you just didn’t care. It’s as selfish as it gets. That’s why I’m a firm believer that the second a kid cries they should be ejected from the plane no questions asked.

6. Ugly Stewardesses

Can I ask you something. When did this start? When did it become okay for stewardesses to be ugly? Is it when people started calling them flight attendants? They’re freaking stewardesses!  The whole thing is disgusting. I mean throw me a bone here. I’m stuck on a plane. The least you could do is have some tail working so I can check out their asses as they walk up and down the aisle. It’s customer service 101 really. I don’t care if you have to charge me an extra 100 bucks a ticket. It’s well worth the price of admission. Does any airline still use hotties?