If you don’t feel for Ryan Seacrest here, you don’t have a soul. There is nothing, NOTHING scarier than flooding someone else’s toilet.
The 5-7 seconds that pass as the water level is rising in a clogged toilet is truly the most anxiety ridden 5-7 time period on earth
So I flush it, and the water just builds – so I am watching the water level rise. – Ryan Seacrest
And it’s happened to every one of us at one point. And because we’re in the trust tree, I’m gonna tell you my story.
The year was 2009 The Year of Our Lord Jesus Christ. I was at some house party with like the same 30 idiots from my college, North Central in Naperville. I just got done going to town on about a dozen hot wings from Crosstown Pub down the street and had a solid 8-10 Busch Lights in me. Miley Cyrus was (probably) blasting on the speaker system and everyone was having a good time.
And then it happened: I got that gurgling feeling in my stomach. The exact same one you hear when Harry walks into Marry Samsonite’s house in Dumb and Dumber.
The entire party was in the basement of the house we were at, so I snuck off up stairs to unleash hell on the toilet. It was either that or shit my pants in the basement.
I remember getting halfway up the stairway and just stopping. If I took one more step that was it, I was shitting my pants. I swear to god my asscheeks were clenched to tight you couldn’t pull a greased up golf tee out from between them. After maybe 20 seconds of standing still as a statue, my stomach somehow fixes itself to where I can at least walk so I can get to the unoccupied bathroom in the bedroom upstairs.
Obviously I unleash HELL on that toilet. Even gave it a courtesy flush… but this was unrelenting diarrhea. It just didn’t stop for about 3-4 straight mins.
Now mind you, I’m one of those weirdos who doesn’t like to shit anywhere that’s not my own abode. I need my own turf, my own home field advantage. I did get a few knocks on the door but so long as it wasn’t a girl I didn’t really care. After a few minutes, I *finally* am ready to wipe up and head back downstairs to get my dance on.
So I flush and yep, you guessed it: the toilet was clogged. Just like Seacrest said, the water just kept rising
to the point where if I so much as spit in the toilet it would have been too much to hold and it was going overboard.
Now obviously I freak the fuck out. I look to the left of the toilet to find the plunger. Nothing. To the right? Nothing as well. So what do I do? Do I leave it? Do I shoot a text message to someone trustworthy for help? Do I unclog it with my hands?
These were all solutions I considered. And then I saw it: a plastic sickle laying under a used bath towel. Apparently someone was the Grim Reaper for Halloween or some shit. I snap the sickle part off the stick and start going to town on the drain with it, pants around my ankles and all. Did this for another 5 minutes or so.
Toilet water was splashing all over my hands but at this point I didn’t give a fuck, I just wanted it unclogged. And guess what? It worked! The water level receded, I threw the sickle under the sink to abolish the evidence, and went on my merry way. To this day I’ve never breathed a larger sigh of relief.
It was the most nerve racking 5 mins of my life. And again, since we’re in the trust tree, feel free to leave your stories in the comment section. I’m sure you all have some great ones.