In a few of your responses you referenced a past relationship you were in, and how the guy (seemingly out of nowhere) just didn’t want to be together anymore. A very similar situation happened to me back in December, and I still can’t stop thinking about her.
Through your own confirmation, and those of all my friends, I know it will get easier over time. I guess my question to you is, was there a day where you just woke up and were like “yup, I’m over them” or was it a gradual build, culminating at the dinner when you really knew it was over?
To further complicate it, I sincerely wanted her to be the one I spent the rest of my life with – now I’m worried I’ll just compare every girl to her. Any advice you have for how not to do that would be appreciated too.
Trying to move on
Dear Trying To Move On,
There are few pains worse than the pains of heartbreak. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through and for the hole you find yourself in at the moment; it WILL get better, but for now it fucking sucks.
Was there a day I woke up and felt over him? No. To be completely honest, for weeks I resented waking up because I knew I had an entire day of feeling like complete shit ahead of me. After a few months, I felt a little less crappy each day and then after a few more months I could actually enjoy being out with friends. I still felt empty on the inside, but at least for a few hours I could be ok.
It was then I decided I needed to get away and really clear my head, so I took the trip him and I were supposed to take to the Amalfi Coast, alone. It was the best decision I ever made. Right before we broke up we had purchased our flights and when things ended so did the trip (obviously) so there was something very therapeutic about carrying on with the plans we developed together as a couple, as a single woman.
That trip was my reboot and even though I was alone and in a place I was supposed to experience with him, it was so unbelievably beautiful that I was only filled with joy and gratitude. I didn’t need him to take my dream trip and I didn’t need him to be happy.
Fortunately for me, all of that was confirmed with our first dinner together after over a year of the break up.
And it will be for you too.
It may not happen on your timetable, or in the way you hope it does, but it will. One day you’ll stop wanting her to be “the one” and another day you’ll find the person you’re meant the spend the rest of your life with. When that happens you’ll look back at this moment and be thankful for the lessons you learned from this relationship and be grateful to your ex for making you a better partner.
For now, I don’t think comparing every girl to your ex is necessarily a bad thing… if you do it right. Don’t compare each individual personality/physical trait and don’t idolize your ex. She was not perfect and your next girlfriend won’t be either. Instead compare how you FEEL – let that be the bar for your next relationship.
Be kind to yourself and give yourself the time and patience you need to get through this.
Need advice on dating, work, family, or everyday shit? Please submit any questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.
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