Barstool’s Official Gold Cup Preview: USMNT vs Some Little Ass Country
Sam’s Soccer Safe Space for Stoolies
Hi haters,
It has been a long time since people have been so thoroughly unexcited about the USMNT playing in a game that technically matters, and honestly it is hard to blame them. A bunch of guys are hurt (Tyler Adams, John Brooks, DeAndre Yedlin), some guys were inexplicably not included on the roster (Josh Sargent), which is packed full of guys that fans with brains are extremely nonplussed about. As if that wasn’t enough this is all playing out against a backdrop of a team that shit its pants in the last cycle of World Cup qualifying and an organization that seems to have done very little to address the problems that got us in trouble in the first place, with a coach that .
So, yeah, I get it if your initial response to finding out the USMNT’s first Gold Cup game is tonight is: “Who fucking cares?”
Here’s the thing though: I know that the dumbest thing you can ever do on the internet these days is admit that you care about something, but the fact is that I care about the USMNT and getting things back on track – I care a lot (way more than a normal human being should) – and as tough as it is to get excited about a game against some piddly ass Central/South American country/island… we gotta start somewhere.
A wise man once said the best way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. That’s kinda what it feels like at the moment when thinking about how far the USMNT has to go to get back to being a legitimate contender coming off back-to-back ass whuppings from mighty Jamaica and mightier Venezuela. However, the truth is that our talent pool is deep as hell and better days are ahead. So do yourself a favor and get on board this train now while there are some good seats available, and I promise that you will enjoy it all the more when things get turned around and Christian Pulisic is lifting our second straight World Cup trophy at the Rose Bowl in mid-July 2026.
After all, you can’t truly appreciate the sweet unless you taste sour first… and I am struggling to imagine a scenario sourer than having legitimate doubts about whether the USMNT can at least make it to the final of a Gold Cup. But the fun is in the danger, godamit, so let’s take a look at what to watch for tonight and in the weeks ahead…
[[After a quick reminder of what experiencing joy while watching soccer felt like]]
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2019 Gold Cup
The other three groups have all played games over the last few days so this is what the standings look like at the moment:
As a quick reminder, here is the roster that Gregggggggggggg Berhalter called in for the tournament:
I have already said a lot of things – many of them rather critical – about some of the decisions GB made and I won’t rehash the grievances here… though, in case you would like to learn (or be reminded) a little more, I did go into some detail in this IG post:
What it boils down to is this: (1) Berhalter called in an older (and MLS-heavy) group, which suggests that he cares more about winning the Gold Cup relative to preparing for the World Cup than I would have liked. It is what it is though. (2) In a sense GB got both lucky and unlucky with injuries to Yedlin/Brooks/Adams. Missing so many key players means the team will by definition not be as strong as they otherwise would, however it is also a built in excuse in case we lose to anybody not named Mexico.
If the USMNT had come into the tournament with all our first-choice guys and crashed out, there would have been serious calls for him to be fired. He is unlikely to have been fired anyway, but the situation changes now with a less-than-full-strength squad going into the tournament, even though this squad has PLENTY of talent to compete against CONCACAF competition.
All this begs the question: what is the bar for “success” in the Gold Cup?
I don’t like calling for anybody’s job but heads might have to roll is we fail to get out of the group stage. That is so ridiculous, though, that it’s not even worth discussing at this point. All in all, losing to anybody but Mexico has to be considered a failure, plain and simple. (Even falling to, say, Costa Rica would be a pretty big disaster since they have not looked as strong as some of the teams they have had in the recent past.) I’d love to say that losing to Mexico would be a disappointment, because it is always a catastrophic event, but at the same time we should probably be at least a little honest with ourselves:
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USMNT vs Guyana
This game should not be competitive. Guyana is ranked 177th in the world for a reason.
I am not even going to try to guess what Berhalter’s starting XI will be, mainly because I know that I will get upset and throw something. It will be telling, though, now that the “experimenting” is mercifully done to finally see who he sees as his first choice line-up.
The only “debate” that interests me even a little bit is what Berhalter does with The Babyjesus. Does he play Pulisic out wide where he has been most effective for Dortmund or bring him inside where he will have a more direct role in controlling the flow of the game?
Other than that the only thing I ask is that Omar Gonzalez is not in the XI. Is that too much to ask?????? (I am truly afraid to find out.)
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“PREDICTION”
US to win 4-0.
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So there we have it. Lots more jogo bonito coming right up, starting with Part 2 of the FA Cup video series coming later this week, followed by more Women’s World Cup, Copa America and Gold Cup action. Soccer don’t sleep!
Holler,
Samuel Army