Northern Echo - A LABOUR politician has defended his beliefs in extra-terrestrial life – after claiming to have fathered a child with an alien. Married father-of-three Simon Parkes, who represents Stakesby on Whitby Town Council, said his wife had rowed with him after revealing he had a child called Zarka with an alien he refers to as the Cat Queen. The 53-year-old driving instructor said he has sexual relations with the alien about four times a year. “What will happen is that we will hold hands and I will say ‘I’m ready’ and then the technology I don’t understand will take us up to a craft orbiting the earth,” he explained. “My wife found out about it and was very unhappy, clearly. That caused a few problems, but it is not on a human level, so I don’t see it as wrong. Councillor Parkes, who also claims his “real mother” is a 9ft green alien with eight fingers, said people only claim he is mad because they have not shared his experiences and that the encounters don’t affect his work on behalf of Whitby residents. “I can understand how you would say that because you have not seen anything yourself and that’s your immediate fallback position, but you come and spend some time with me and follow me around for a day and you will actually walk away shaking your head because you will think actually he’s not mad. “There are plenty of people in my position who don’t chose to come out and say it because they are terrified it will destroy their careers.”
Easily the best part of this story is the guy saying that their sex “wasn’t on a human level” so its technically not cheating. Thats the ultimate “It doesn’t count if…” excuse I’ve ever heard. It doesn’t count if its in a different area code. It doesn’t count if you’re on vacation. It doesn’t count if you have interspecies sex with the Cat Queen she gives birth to a human-alien hybrid baby. And it ain’t cheating if you’re fucking 0n a spacecraft in orbit. Play on playa. Must have learned that from his 9 foot tall whore mother with only 8 fingers.