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Boston is Finally Getting the Straight Pride Parade No One Ever Asked For

“It looks like the Boston Straight Pride Parade will happen. We filed a discrimination complaint and it appears the City of Boston understands they would lose in litigation. The city is now working with us on the parade. We will have the streets closed and be allowed floats and vehicles. The tentative date is 8/31 but will be finalized in the next few weeks. The proposed parade route is below. If you would like to come as an individual, march as a group, or bring a float or vehicle, then get in touch. This is our chance to have a patriotic parade in Boston as we celebrate straight pride.” – Mark Sahady, Facebook

Let me just come right out and say this, no matter how controversial it might sound because I want to be brutally honest and let the chips fall where they may.

I support straight people. I know that’s not always been the most popular thing to say. And Lord knows heterosexuals have a lot to answer because nobody’s perfect. But still, they have many good qualities and can be a lot of fun. They mate with the opposite sex, which is interesting. They have the cells and organs that, when used in combination, make all the babies. And I think from a biological perspective, that’s quite an accomplishment.

So I’m happy to be straight and think we have quite a bit going for us. If being attracted to a member of the opposite sex from you qualifies as something to be proud of, then OK. Consider me proud.

That said, is there any doubt that this is going to be the most boring parade of all time? I mean, holy moly. Those May Day ones where they march through Red Square don’t seem like a real barrel of laughs. But at least they have tanks and badass rocket launchers and stuff. What the hell is a Boston Straight Pride Parade going to look like?

Again, I’m not a self-loathing hetero. But I can admit that my people are among the least creative, least stylish demographic going. I can’t help but picture this thing as a fiasco of the highest order. A bunch of suburban dads in cargo shorts, high socks and golf shirts. Their phones clipped to their belts. Parade floats of a bunch of guys standing around a Weber grill drinking light beers talking about taking out a Home Equity line to get the roof reshingled. Formations of ride-on mowers and golf carts. Women marching behind banners proclaiming their book clubs, yoga classes and kids playgroups. Two color rainbow flags everywhere.

And what’s the music going to be? Are they going to have a pick up truck with speakers blaring the Pandora Yacht Rock station? All Doobie Brothers and Hall & Oates and England Dan & John Ford Coley? Hard pass. Much of what I’m describing here is my life. But nobody needs to see my reality in parade form.

The bottom line is we can’t compete with the original Pride Parade. Not in substance and for sure not in style. I have a buddy who used to work at the State House. And he told me once there was a protest from all these people from Provincetown bringing awareness to the problem of plastic tampon applicators floating across Massachusetts Bay onto their beaches. So they made costumes out of them. He said one guy dressed himself as the Statue of Liberty, done entirely out of beach whistles. Are the organizers of Straight Pride really going to try to match that level of creativity?

Good freaking luck with that. I know plenty of heteros who are geniuses at woodworking, masonry, lawn care, automotive mechanics. But these pride marches are best left to the people who know how to do them right. And that ain’t us. When it comes to Boston parades, I’ll stick to Duckboat rolling rallies and St. Patrick’s Day, showing up and drinking. Because those are the things I know I’m good at. Enjoy your Straight Pride Parade. It’ll probably be your only one.