For The Ladies: Lose 30 Pounds In 30 Days By Simply Sewing A Patch On Your Tongue

Tongue

Daily MailA plastic patch sewn which is sewn onto the tongue and makes it very difficult to eat is the latest in extreme weight-loss methods. The ‘miracle’ patch, which is secured to the tongue with six stitches, makes consuming solid food so painful that users are forced to resort to a liquid-only diet. Launched in 2009 by Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Nikolas Chugay, the procedure can apparently help you lose up to 30lbs in one month – but not without uncomfortable side effects. Dr Chugay’s website warns that patients may experience swelling of the tongue and difficulty with speech after getting the patch. And some patients have trouble sleeping and difficulty moving their tongue at all following the procedure, which has yet to be FDA-approved. What’s more, the patch can only be worn for a maximum of one month, since after that time, the tongue’s tissue begins to grow back, and the patch can then become incorporated into the tongue. But during that month, Dr Chugay provides an ‘easy to follow’ liquid diet of 800 calories a day, which ‘fulfills nutritional needs’ and ‘maximizes weight loss results’. The postage stamp-sized patch is made from marlex, a plastic that is commonly used as mesh to repair hernias, and is also the principal material used to make Hula Hoops. Yomaira Jaspe, a woman who recently underwent the procedure, said she felt like it was the only effective weight-loss option for her. ‘I don’t have the willpower to go on a diet, so this was the only way,’ she explained.

You’ve got no excuse now, pigs. “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” has never been easier. I get that a lot of you beasts are scared to hit the gym or go for walks/runs in public. You have every right to be embarrassed, because normal-sized society will laugh at you just as much as you fear. That just sends you back into your hole in a gluttonous depression. Lipo & lap band surgery are other options, but I understand how that might seem excessive to some. Thankfully, Dr. Chugay has figured out a humane alternative to sewing your fat mouths shut or wrapping a shock collar around your throats that’s triggered when you chew. A “miracle patch”, indeed. A tiny piece of plastic sewn to tongues that tortures whales out of obesity & into civilized society. Genius. Listen, chubs, if you’re cool with being shunned then this isn’t for you. For those who want to be skinny enough to dress like a slut and get your tits & ass ogled like a real lady should, all you gotta do is stick your tongue out.