Gothamist – Do you sometimes feel a burst of machismo around wienerschnitzel? Do you find yourself savoring an unusual attraction to very long cars? Do you think your micro penis is the itsy-bitsyest in all of Brooklyn? Then Kings County Bar wants you to sign up for their first annual Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant! It’s the ultimate wet t-shirt contest for infinitesimal penises. “The Contest” will be held on Saturday, July 20th starting at 5 p.m. at the bar, located at 286 Siegel Street near the Morgan Avenue L train. The event is open to anyone 21 and over; photo and video submissions will not be accepted, no matter how much you want to send them. Oddly, you don’t have to worry about being completely nude, even if you are totally proud of your lilliputian penis: “While nudity is not required, contestants should expect to wear wet underwear (which will be provided).” Which is at least a little bit of a step up from Howard Stern’s small penis contest. But what about shrinkage?
You know who are the sickest bastards in the whole world? Anyone who shows up to Kings County Bar that night. Like I can kind of understand being a contestant. If you’re gonna have an outrageously small cock, you might as well own it. Be known as THE guy with THE smallest dick. It’s like “go big or go home” but the exact opposite. Be the dude with the smallest dick in the city, win some money, win the contest. If you’re gonna have a baby carrot for a dick you might as well put it to work for you.
But who are the spectators showing up for small cock night at the bar? Like “yea man lets hit up Kings County tonight, it’s 2 for 1 Bud Lights and also there’s a bunch of dudes with small peckers in soaking wet underwear!” I mean obviously no dude is gonna like that. No chick is gonna wanna go to a mini sausage fear. I guess you’re only demographic are the Asians. Set up a karaoke machine that same night as the small cock contest and you’ll have one hell of an Asian bash on your hands.