Aries | March 21 to April 19
You’re aging uncharacteristically fast and becoming progressively more gross. You’re not nearly as attractive as you were in your prime. In fact, you’re absolutely fucking disgusting now. You’re an ackee.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You’re so boring and unappealing that your general presence and complete lack of redeeming qualities is enough to ruin the day of someone you’ve never even met. Why are you so dirty and sticky? You’re a black sapote. Go wash yourself.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Like an obscure, citrus fruit that looks more like a mutant’s infected hand or an expired, fried snack that you’d find at a county fair in rural Arkansas, you’re a complete absurdity and you serve almost no purpose in this world. You’re a fingered citron.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Imagine being stranded on an island and cutting open a mysterious, exotic fruit, only to realize that it’s filled with pieces of literal shit. That’s how everyone feels when they attempt to date you, touch you, or interact with you in any way—extraordinarily disappointed and repulsed. You’re a durian.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your appearance, personality, and overall desirability is most comparable to a deadly skin virus. You’re a plague to everyone around you. A pandemic if you will. You’re a jabuticaba.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You joke around on social media that you “look like a potato,” because you think that makes you come across as funny and zany. In reality, you legitimately do resemble a potato, but you’re not even semi funny or interesting. Your friends in your group chat only laugh at your unoriginal, self deprecating jokes because they’re just as shitty and unfunny as you. You might be ugly on the outside, but you’re even uglier on the inside. You’re a langsat.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
When you try to open up to people, you only end up disappointing them and ruining their day. You’re absolutely revolting. You’re a jackfruit.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Kiwana (Horned Melon)
You’d be better suited as as a prop in a low-budget sci-fi film then whatever it is you’re doing with your life now. You look comical and you’re completely useless. You’re a horned melon.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You look like what I’d imagine Clifford’s unshaven testicles would look like during a particularly gruesome genital herpes outbreak. On the inside, you might be a magical, translucent orb that could light up the world around you, but no one’s willing to give you a chance because you’re so hideous. You’re a rambuttan.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
When you finally gain the confidence to break out of your shell, you’ll only reveal to others that you’re extremely ugly on the inside. Look at yourself. Is that some kind of extraterrestrial phlegm and mucus? Doesn’t matter. You’re a passionfruit.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You come across as a giant dildo and you look like shit. You’re a tamarind.