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Dear Lizzy, The Girl I'm Dating Is Still Receiving Alerts From Hinge... Should I Be Worried?

Dear-Lizzy

Dear Lizzy,

I’ve been dating a girl now for about 2 months that I met on Hinge. We haven’t had the “exclusive” conversation yet, but we spend a ton of time together and we hit it off from day one.

Last weekend while spending almost the entire weekend together, I inadvertently noticed her getting notifications from Hinge on her phone. She isn’t really doing anything wrong, as we never talked about not dating other people. However, we have been spending a ton of time together, we’ve been a weekend trip out of town, and she has brought me around her friends a couple times, so I felt like it was getting more serious.

How do I ask her about her still talking to/dating other guys without sounding like I snooped on her phone or I am super jealous? It truly was an accident that I noticed the notifications, but I doubt she would believe that. Am I misreading where our relationship stands? Should I just be up front and ask her about it? Should I try to ignore it because things are going well?

Sincerely,

TD

Dear TD,

There are two schools of thought here:

1) You don’t tell her you saw the alerts and instead you just have the “let’s be exclusive” talk. As you mentioned, she was NOT doing anything wrong by being on Hinge to begin with, so there’s nothing to really discuss. (It’s also worth pointing out that just because she was getting alerts does NOT mean she is active on Hinge, but rather that people are liking her. This does not mean she is liking them back or cruising for dates. The only thing it definitely, without question, means is that she has NOT deleted the app.)

2) You tell her you saw the alerts because you did and NOT telling her would be a lie, which is never the best way to start a relationship. This is what I would personally do. I am a big, big believer in 100% honesty. Especially in the case of something like this that has been bothering you enough to write in. Overall this is not a big deal, but your brain has made it into a big deal. These notifications irked you so much you’re questioning where the relationship stands, despite all the clues (weekend away, meeting the friends) that would lead you to believe this is going somewhere.

Some people are comfortable withholding little bits of information (regardless of how important or unimportant they are) and can carry on as though nothing happened. You don’t appear to be one of these people, so tell her.

“Hey so the other day when we were at so-and-so, I accidentally noticed you received a notification from Hinge. For the record, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that because we have not made things exclusive, but I would like to open that conversation and the notification made me wonder if we are maybe not on the same page? I know it could mean nothing, and honestly I was debating whether or not to tell you because I didn’t want you to think I was snooping – because I was not – but then I realized that by not telling you, I make myself a liar. So here we are. I’m really sorry. I was just sitting there and it just popped up.”

Here the thing: it’s not a big deal that she is receiving Hinge notifications because you don’t know what it means. If you think you can ask her to be exclusive and let the Hinge thing go completely, that is what you should do because you were NOT snooping and casually stumbled upon it.

However, if you’re going to keep this insignificant incident in the back of your head and wonder if she’s still on Hinge when you two are together, then you’re going to end up fucking this relationship up. The same is true if you think you’re going to feel guilty about not telling her.

Your call.

– Lizzy

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