(*UPDATED TO INCLUDE THE LIONS*) Have you ever been to an NFL game and wondered to yourself “Man, I shoulda left my wife at home for this one”? Well, we here at the Barstool Sports dot com have, and we prepared a conclusive study on as many mascots as I could find on Wikipedia for you guys to enjoy. Joining me are genius sports commentators TylerIAm and KBnoswag to provide their picks as well as some reasoned commentary (big shoutout to my podcast co-host and twitter legend Trillballins for coming up with this fantastic and extremely thought provoking idea).
Anyway, I decided to sort the mascots into three tiers. High Threat must be avoided at all costs, Medium Threat can go either way, and Low Threat is, well, no threat. I averaged out our picks and sorted them in ascending order for your viewing pleasure. Also, its worth noting that some of these mascots are no longer in circulation, switched cities, etc. I do not care. I picked the funniest ones (and invented one for the Redskins) and there is nothing you can do about it.
Kenjac: Less than zero threat. Look me dead in the eyes. I know two things for sure: This man hates his wife and he gets absolutely no coochie.
Tyler: Zero threat. He’d have the deal closed but then would have to stop and explain to my wife why patriarchy is actually just a myth created by the liberal left to keep us scared at night. No chance.
KB: A fully grown man who paints his whole face for a sporting event isn’t getting sex from his own wife, let alone someone else’s. This guy might do work in Central Kansas or Arkansas though.\
Kenjac: Low Threat. Imagine a hairy Dr. Tobias Funke getting jiggy with your wife? No chance. If he resembled Kelsey Grammer’s rendition of Beast a little more, perhaps. As is stands, this upstate hillbilly has no chance of taking your wife unless she is turned on by plastic table smashing.
Tyler: Low threat. And if he takes her, he can have her.
KB: Low Threat. The gay Rocky Dennis of the Bison Species.
Kenjac: Low Threat. LMFAOOOO get this loser out of here. He might invite you over to fuck HIS wife while he mashes his dumb tiny meat in the corner.
Tyler: Low threat. He looks like a well mannered Ramsay Bolton. Hard pass.
KB: NEGATIVE Threat. Threat levels on Mariana Trench. No wonder the Browns have been so bad lately. Imagine trying to score with this repulsive virgin on your side.
Kenjac: Low Threat. I fear no creature with a front-butt that big. Guy can’t even see his own dick, so how is he supposed to have any sensual presence. Chris Christie at that baseball game looking-ass. FUPA looking like a garbage bag stuffed with cottage cheese.
Tyler: Low threat. Until we find out that it’s actually Jim Irsay inside that suit living out all his dreams, then its HIGH threat. But for now, no.
KB: Low Threat. Physically incapable of penetrating anything with that tool shed. He definitely posts in the “missed connections” section on Craigslist and worships Elliot Rodgers on incel forums.
Kenjac: Low threat. Terrible vibes from this absolute CHUMP. No swagger, a bad team, and just a terrible overall look. He might be able to win over some Nassau county displaced widow living in Scottsdale as part of an inheritance con, but not much else.
Tyler: ZERO threat. He’s the same size as Kyler Murray without any of the Heisman/baseball talent. Noap.
Kenjac: Low Threat. Look at this bitch. Only thing he’s riding is the yearbook committee for being late to approve his edits. Archie Andrews lookin motherfucker. “Where’s my hug?” lookin LOSER.
Tyler: Low threat. Not so sure this isn’t just Jason Garrett trying to earn his keep.
KB: Low Threat. This dweeb looks like a terminally ill leprechaun from Frisco whose Make-A-Wish was to be the Cowboys mascot for a day.
Kenjac: Low threat. Just, no. First of all, I’m pretty sure Viktor is not even a viking name. Second of all, he’s essentially a LARPer. Power to their community, but I don’t think he has time to lay pipe with all the foam cutting he must be doing.
Tyler: Low threat until they do the right thing and just make Jesse “The Body” Ventura the official mascot.
KB: How did the Vikings manage to make a Nordic beast look like a co-manager at Game Stop? Low threat.
Kenjac: Low Threat. Freddie is a milk drinking, burnt to a crisp steak with Catsup eating, tiny rope shooting lame boy. For a city that birthed some of the best entertainers of the last century, they sure fucked up picking Foghorn Leghorn as a mascot.
Tyler: Medium threat. Only because his feathers look more like scales and dragons are in right now.
KB: Low Threat. He could probably do some damage if he didn’t have an extremely rare autosomal recessive hereditary skin disorder.
Kenjac: Low threat. New Orleans fans in general have revealed themselves as super big whiners that can’t let anything go. This has nothing to do with my analysis, but I wanted to point it out. While this Stan Smith from American Dad lookin dude does have a dog, there’s just no way he has time to seduce anyone with all the MAGA rallies he’s attending.
Tyler: Low threat. Two (2) mascots, zero (0) hoes.
KB: Whatever the fuck is on the left: Low threat. The dog: High threat.
Kenjac: Low Threat. Nobody likes a morose creep like Poe. Coincidentally, he is essentially the Bran Stark of NFL Mascots.. Zero charisma, defends murderers, both are constantly plagued by a white walker (Big Ben in Poe’s case).
Tyler: Medium threat. He’s emo and that’s how it starts, painting nails and listening to Depeche Mode with your missus. I’ve got me eye on him.
KB: Medium Threat. When it comes to the Avian sexual hierarchy, black ravens are somewhere between Peregrine falcons and Canada geese. Depression and creepiness aside, I think he could snag up a beta’s wife.
Kenjac: Medium threat. I know bull is literally the term for a wife fucker, but I just don’t know. The Texans are just such an anemic and swaggerless team that I can’t see their mascot having the cajones to pull it off.
Tyler: Medium threat. He’s a butterface and that happens to be right up my wife’s alley. I’m a little nervous.
KB: Low Threat. Look at his oblivious candy eyes, boulder nose, and dumb toothless grin.
Kenjac: Low threat. This guy keeps his aggressive, pseudo-criminal sexual advances contained to instagram model’s dms. “I think of you while I fuck my girlfriend” Pat octuple texts Sophia Bush. He is too busy with that and harassing Alexandria Ocasio Cortez’s political views while also being horny to see her feet, your wife is safe.
Tyler: High threat as we find out Pat Patriot is a high ranking executive at Halliburton and a close personal friend of Dick “Dick” Cheney and Rub & Tug Craft.
KB: Kenjac’s oddly specific description makes me think that he knows private details about this man’s life, so I’ll just go with Low Threat too.
Kenjac: Low Threat. Absolutely zero swagger from KC Wolf. Dude looks like if he tried to have sex with my wife his dick would miss and smash into a desert wall with a coochie painted on it. Only thing this guy’s hitting is an ACME anvil.
KB: ^^^Sounds like someone has a personal issue with KC Wolf. Medium Threat. At least.
Tyler: This is horny cartoon wolf in the comically oversized suit that you see sexually harassing women in all the cartoons we watched growing up. High threat.
Kenjac: Low Threat. One of the worst teams, the least inventive look and he’s got a tail. Booooo! I wonder if KB will like this guy, though. He isn’t one to turn down a lion or two.
Tyler: Low threat. That hair is a mess and his shoes are last seasons Balenciaga’s. He’s just not trendy enough to fuck my wife.
KB: High threat. I’m not entirely sure that “tail” is a tail, and even if it is…well, just look at it.
Kenjac: Medium threat. The only leg up I’m giving TD is that dolphins are supposed to be super-intelligent. Wouldn’t he have stopped the Dolphins from drafting Ryan Tannehill, though? Just make sure he doesn’t hatch some sort of plot to frame you for downloading 3 terabytes of Hentai porn, which is something you would never do.
Tyler: High threat. Dolphins be fucking, everybody knows that. Imagine he and Fitzpatrick walk into the bar looking to score? I’d get up and leave, I don’t want the smoke idc.
KB: Zero Threat. He looks like he got fired from the Miami Swim With Dolphins Tour for trying to slip in some tongue with one of the 10-year-olds during the kiss pic. Wives aren’t his age range. More of a daughter guy.
Kenjac: Medium Threat. Nature’s bandits, Racoons do post a slight threat to your marriage. He’s from the hip town of Nashville, he probably knows how to play some generic tunes on the acoustic guitar and he’s got a pretty wiley tongue.
Tyler: Low threat. He looks devious like he’d only bed my wife so he could go through her purse while she sleeps. Little does he know, that’s my job and there can only be one.
KB: High (Non Consensual) Threat. Those cheerleaders look like they’re being held captive. “Save me” eyes. (Side note: Imagine the decision-making procecss that led to the Titans making their mascot a fucking raccoon.)
Kenjac: Medium threat. Rampage is an incredible name that should be feared both among the mascot, and the loving husband community. However, Max kellerman, this horny fuck definitly has an inferiority complex. Living in LA and competing with the male talent there has to be debilitating to his dick game.
Tyler: High threat. He’s getting a fit off, he lives in Echo Park and he’s got Aryan-esque level blue eyes. HIGH THREAT.
KB: Low threat. He’s verified on Instagram so I bet he’s too busy running through 22-year-old LA girls to even think about your disgusting wife.
Kenjac: Medium threat. While he’s probably used to digging where he doesn’t belong, he just looks too honest to me. Just know that if you ever get home and your lady has a yeast infection, you know who the culprit is.
Tyler: Medium threat. You see how dilated those pupils are so I think it’s safe to say that Sam…..likes to party. He’s got that Gold Rush money to throw around too, so I’m a little worried
KB: Medium threat. Sourdough Sam looks like he could dick down cities like Indianapolis or Pittsburgh, but I doubt his game is nearly as effective in San Francisco.
Kenjac: Medium Threat. While his getup kind of reminds me of the birds of war outfits from It’s Always Sunny, there is a determined look in his eye. I’m slightly afraid he’s bring my ladies walls down like the government did to the towers (shoutout Pete Carroll).
Tyler: Medium threat. The awful fit says no, but the eyes say “I’ll have your wife and your children will call me papa”. Let’s split the difference and go medium.
KB: My brain is glitching from trying to hypothesize the sexual prowesses of all these different bird species. I don’t know. He looks pretty cute. Medium, I guess.
Kenjac: High threat. Most other large cats have honor so they would never break apart a marriage, but a Tiger Wood.
KB: High Threat. I’m seeing shades of Tony the Tiger, who fucked pretty much everyone in the Cereal Mascot Community, including the Corn Flakes Rooster and Raisin Bran Sun.
Tyler: Low threat. He’d pick my wife up for a date, take her for a lovely evening and then fumble right when it mattered. Much like the Bengals. Zero threat.
Kenjac: Low Threat. Just look at Staley’s dead eyes. Dude looks like Hodor. While simpletons traditionally got the hammer dick, I don’t think he has the finesse to seduce anyone. Just make sure you convince your wife not to wear open-toe shoes cause you know this guy likes bare feet.
Tyler: High threat. He looks like a big fat dope, AKA the television father for every 90s sitcom and they were all married to smokes. The threat is high.
KB: High threat. Imagine thinking your wife would say “no” to a bear. A fucking bear?
Kenjac: Low threat. While Philly is still pretty fresh off a chip, I just don’t see any world where this bird is capable of anything other than throwing snowballs at Santa Claus. Can’t beat your wife’s cheeks if he’s too busy beating up hitchbot.
Tyler: High threat. It’s the eyes man, you can tell in the eyes and he’s got mischievous eyes. Add that in with the confidence from winning a ring, and he’s a high threat imo.
KB: High threat. 90% of the girls in Philly have willingly fucked human men far uglier and more deformed than this.
Kenjac: High Threat. Aka Mr. Steel Your Girl, this guy’s beam will make your wife cream her jeans. He’s got it all, the bod, the brows, the chin and the scruff. His fashion sense could use some work, but blue collar is a style in and of itself.
Tyler: Medium threat as this is actually just Adam Carolla.
KB: This dude looks like what every 25+ year old white guy from Western PA wishes he looked like. Wiz Khalifa Threat.
Kenjac: Medium Threat. More like Captain stabbin’. As long as he gets his MRSA cleared up, there’s no telling what port he might dock in.
Tyler: High threat. His literal job is to plunder booty. Astronomical threat.
KB: High Threat. Imagine your wife’s juices providing him with enough Vitamin C to single-handedly cure his scurvy.
Kenjac: Very high. Miles Thunder is an all time porn name and i fear him with my life. LilNasX may take his horse down the old town road, but this horse will take your [homonym redacted] down the old brown road.
Tyler: High threat. Look at those eyes. Not only would he fuck my wife, he might fuck me.
KB: Imagine thinking a 6’2” feral horse named Miles Thunder wouldn’t steal someone’s wife. This guy HABITUALLY bucks/fucks wives. Wouldn’t be his first rodeo.
Kenjac: High Threat. Jaxon is a cool, positive vibes only type of cat. He kind of reminds me of Matthew McConaughey in ‘The Beach Bum’. He just has a strong, sexual energy that both confuses and frightens me. Hell, I might fuck him.
Tyler: HIGH threat. Jaxon with an X makes all the difference in the world. And apparently he’s French???? He’s a Tony Parker protege I’m sure so my bitch is as good as fucked.
KB: Holy shit. High Threat. Jaxson de Ville???? I guarantee the person inside of that mascot suit gets morbidly depressed every time he takes it off.
Kenjac: High threat. Bottom line, this guy gives great head. You take one look at that roomy mouth and you just know there is a thick, juicy tongue to match. He is a danger to you, your family and Youngstown Bob’s supremacy.
Tyler: High threat. He’s about to move to Vegas with money to blow and he’s looking for someone else’s wife (mine) to blow it on.
KB: High threat. This man is beautiful. A spherical Zac Efron.
Kenjac: High threat. Sir Purr is just an electrifying name. Panthers are intrinsically sexy beasts, and having a name that is basically implying they’re good at dishing out orgasms does not bode well for your holy union.
Tyler: High threat. His name is Sir Purr and in his picture he’s laying with a “So what time does your husband get home?” smirk on his face. I’m shook, I’ll admit it.
KB: Treacherously High Threat. I’d be surprised if Sir Purr hasn’t already had a ménage à trois with David Tepper.
Kenjac: God-Tier threat. First of all, major RIP to the greatest to ever do it. Second, Boltman has his pick of the litter. Men want to be him, women want to be with him, and the entire harem of NFL mascots fear him. He would break your wife’s back out and by the time he left your kids would be calling him dad.
KB: Intergalactic Threat. This guy could fuck Philip Rivers’ wife and then make all 20 of her kids call him “dad” in unison like an elite children’s choir.
Tyler: It’s not even a threat, it’s a certainty.
Thanks for reading and if you’re a Star Wars fan, Robbie Fox and I went to Celebration last week and put out some videos that you can view here, here, here and here. I also did a guest spot on his podcast My Moms Basement which you should definitely smash that mf subscribe on.
Don’t forget to subscribe to Lights, Camera, Pod,follow us on Twitter, follow us on Instagram and join in on the conversation on our Reddit. Oh and vote for the best movie from Oklahoma. If the form doesn’t work, click here.