Study: Men With Beards Are More Disgusting Than Dogs

WGN - A new study may have men with beards thinking about grabbing a razor. According to researchers at the Hirslanden Clinic in Switzerland, the beards on men have more bacteria, even bugs, than what is found in a dog’s fur.

Researchers took swab samples from the whiskers of 18 men, aged from 18 to 76, and compared them with samples from the necks of 30 dogs of various breeds

The results?

Twenty-three of 30 dogs studied had high amounts of germs in their fur, the other seven had moderate amounts.

When it came to the men, every single one had high counts of bacteria in the beards, and seven of them had high enough microbe counts to be considered a threat to human health.

The study was met with controversy. A spokesman for the ‘Beard Liberation Front’ says the results are more about an irrational fear of beards than anything else.

Alright hand up I couldn’t grow a beard in 10 lifetimes. It would literally take a time machine and Jesus Christ working a miracle for me to confidently grow facial hair. So in the interest of being honest and transparent you should know I’m not qualified for membership in the Beard Liberation Front, a British-based “interest” group that started off as a joke and now apparently has spokespeople on staff:

*Takes several deep breaths*

Pogonophobia is latin for sounding close enough to pornography that you can’t physically wrap your brain around how to pronounce it. Pogonophobia. 

Can you use it in a sentence?

Sure. The people using Pogonophobia as an excuse to explain why beards are more disgusting than dogs are completely fucking bananas. Pogonophobia.

Is it a noun?

Sort of, but also kind of a make believe word too. 

Last question – Do you prefer a world with no dogs or no beards?

Exactly. Back to beards. It’s April. You’ve got max 5 more weeks of it being reasonable and then after that you’re a guy hiding something. Fat face. Joker scars. French onion soup. It’s no surprise you’re a threat to human health everywhere. Get your fucking microbe counts figured out one time.