This morning I read KMarko’s blog on Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey’s 11 “Wellness Tips” which are as follows:
2. Walking to work
3. Doing 7-minute workouts
4. Saunas and ice baths
5. Using a standing desk with a near-infrared bulb
6. Starting the day with an ice-cold bath
7. Taking supplements
8. Eating one meal per weekday
9. Fasting all weekend
10. Tracking his sleep
But some of Dorsey’s ways to get your soul centered seemed a little out of reach for the average gal/guy, so I’ve adjusted them for you. And you can trust my expertise on these because I’m a blogger on the internet. Fix yourself by doing the following:
1. Stop being poor
Yes, you! Cut it out!
2. Zone out on your commute twice a day
It’s hard to meditate in a jostling 2003 Honda CR-V so just put on the local soft-rock station & give a hard thousand-yard-stare out the window like you’re on your way home from ‘Nam in ’68. You’re either heading to that cubicle where Dennis keeps peeking his head over the wall to rib you about how much the Yankees just absolutely suck, or back home to those screaming kids & a spouse who wants to know why you left lotion & tissues at the foot of the toilet this morning(???!). Go ahead & put the car in park & mentally dip out in traffic. These 35 minutes are no one’s but yours, and the other people’s who are honking at you.
3. Loiter at a dog park
Need a mental pick-me-up? Slip out on your lunch break & zip over to the nearest dog park. For me it’s the one two blocks south in Madison Square park, and it doesn’t look weird at all that I roll up with no dog & then linger by the fence smiling deeply at the goofiest dogs while trying to give ‘knowing looks’ to their owners. “Oh yeah, such a good boy, look at that energy! ha ha.” Maybe even pretend one of those dogs is yours, and that it’s not just plants you have waiting for you at home tonight.
5. Stay energized
Chug 4 – 5 blonde roast coffees within a four-hour span until you think you’re about to have a panic attack. Slowly set down your phone with those shaking hands… Hear that ‘thumping’ sound? That’s your heart pumping 3x faster than normal sending an enormous amount of blood pulsing through your eardrums and reminding you that you’re ALIIIIIVE. Rip your shirt off & swipe everything on your desk onto the floor. Scream ‘I AM GOD’ in the receptionist’s face because you’ve got caffeine poisoning & are now unable to control yourself. That’s livin’.
6. Start each day with an ice shower
Jack Dorsey starts his with an ice bath but not all of us have tubs, or like cleaning our tubs ever, but you can still start your day with an ice cold shower. Listen to the neighbors in the apartments around you – have any of them jumped in the shower within the last 20 minutes or is anyone running their dishwasher? That’s a good time to hop in your own shower because it won’t hit above 35 degrees even if you crank the ‘hot’ all the way up. While you’re in there shivering, enjoy the thought that somewhere in the world Jack Dorsey is doing the same thing as you, and look how successful he is!
7. Do 1 minute workouts
Even the smallest ways to get your system moving can be good. *Take the stairs at the office. (*Only if you’re 3rd floor & below, obviously. Anything more and you’re being a try-hard.)
8. Eat dozens of small meals per day
Dorsey takes fasting to the extreme but that’s probably not going to work for most of us. Instead, you can *almost* fast by eating dozens of tiny meals throughout the day that are *almost* like eating nothing. What’s a couple handfuls of chips? What’s a forkful of a co-workers lunch when they’re not looking? I’ve found the most economical way to do this is taking snacks from the office snack room when no one’s around & creating a stock pile. Also, if you have roommates take their food in small increments that they won’t notice. Great money saver.
9. Validate yourself through social media
Works for me all the time. If you’re not getting your self-worth through the messages of egg avatars with names like ThickVeinyBastard or BonerJamz69420 you’re doing it wrong. Start spending more time on your phone & less time listening to the yammering of loved ones around you physically.
10. Fall in love
It’s such an incredible, warm, sparkly feeling that it does wonders for the mind. The whole world sings a beautiful song to you & there’s a hope in your heart that you haven’t felt in years. Plus, doctors say falling in love lowers blood pressure & leads to faster healing among other benefits. (******My only advice here is to do this from afar & not find out if they feel the same because that’s terrifying & could mess things up.)
11. Drink excessively
Yes, Jack Dorsey might be filthy rich & his body might be the cleanest, most efficient machine on the planet, but is he really happy with himself? Whenever I have a few too many drinks I look in the bathroom mirror & see Brooklyn Decker in my reflection. I dance like Jennifer Lopez, I sing like Adele, I bang like Alexis Texas. This is what peak performance looks like, whether it’s reality or not. Will I wake up with a smashed nose & a soul-shaking, crippling anxiety? Maybe. But then I can just start this list all over again & get through the week like a champ.
Cheers to the weekend & best of luck following these tips.