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New Condom Requires Four Hands To Open To Encourage Consent

Where the one armed bitches at! Where my amputees at! Looks like I’ve got a new type, folks. And thats “Women without 2 hands.” Ahhh sorry babe. Cant use a condom. You dont have ten fingers. Cant unlock the condom…

Honestly, this is preposterous. Not the notion behind it, I’m obviously all about consent. Big time consent guy. No forced sex over here. But a 4 handed, 10 finger, iPhone lock on your box of condoms?? Preposterous. Let me explain how that would go:

Step 1: Make all the right moves, say all the right things, and wait for the stars and moons align to actually convince someone to have sex with you

Step 2: Get home, make sure the lighting is correct so you dont scare her off once you’re naked

Step 3: Start fooling around, attempt to convince her you know what youre doing to the extent that this will be a somewhat, reasonably, enjoyable experience for her

Step 4: Get the Green Light, either implied or otherwise

Step 5: Get your Top Secret, Defcon 1, Terror Alert Red condoms out

Step 6: Get all 4 hands on the Condom box, complete the Rubik’s Cube puzzle, unlock the BOX. Just the BOX.

Step 7: Still do your usual fumbling opening up the condom wrapper

Step 8: Put the condom on upside down because this is 2019 and you havent used a condom since the year 2000

Step 9: Flip the condom over, attempt to pinch the reservoir tip and roll the condom down your now 60% flaccid penis.

Step 10: Squeeze that soft dick like a balloon, trying to inflate it enough to wrap it with a rubber shield.

Step 11: Give up because your erection is gone. Save condom for later when your dick is hard again.

Folks thats an 11 step process resulting in catastrophe. The time that can transpire between your penis reaching peak erection and successfully getting a condom on is no more than 5 seconds. Its like turning off the alarm in your house. You have a small grace period to enter the code, otherwise its gonna be a complete shit show. Thats your dick and a condom. Its like an Irish Car Bomb once the Baileys hits. You gotta chug it fast or else it curdles and its a highly disgusting experience. That cup of Guinness with dairy marbled throughout the cup is your half hard dick trying to squeeze into a rubber balloon.

So actually what these new condoms are promoting is just abstinence. Mission still accomplished. Nobody will be having any sex, consensual or otherwise because there will be no erect penis. Because once you need infrared finger prints to open up your Jimmy Cap, sex is OVER, vince carter dot gif. We might as well have Nuclear Codes and keys. Turn your key!! TURN YOUR KEY!! Maybe we’ll have to scan retinas too! Maybe we can have self destructing condoms like in Mission: Impossible if a certain keyword are said.

Or maybe you just have unprotected sex like an adult. Christ.