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We Have An Official Water War At Barstool HQ

All hell has broken loose at Barstool HQ. Yesterday we went through a WILD transition as the last of the water bottles had been drank by midday and it left the 3rd floor in a state of frenzy. The Sahara Desert looked like the Atlantic Ocean compared to Barstool HQ. Absolutely desolate of water sources. It was at this moment I knew we had an official Water War on our hands.

The entire office was in panic mode as they went from checking the fridge and seeing a few bud lights, some old crusty meals, a bag of shredded cheese and emptiness where a case of water usually sits. In the past if you were lucky you could potentially grab a water bottle from the end of the case that just got cold enough to be categorized as “better than room temperature”.


Next stop is ole reliable. The water corner where anywhere from 4 to 187 cases of water could be found on a normal day at a given time. But what the employees of Barstool didn’t know was they were walking into a trap. The once water bottle corner had been replaced by water jugs and a shit ton of empty space where the cases of water used to be.


Words were being exchanged and verbal punches were being thrown before 11 am today once it realized that we actually weren’t getting water bottles anymore. Some are saying it’s because Francis has been bitching about it for awhile. I’m not saying that, but thats what I’ve heard in the Barstool streets. Apparently it’s to “help the environment”.

I’m not a huge environment guy but I do like Oceans. Shoutout the Ocean. I love the beach. But if this is a move to save the environment, why would we make the move from 100% recyclable water bottles, to styrofoam cups?!

I’m not an environmental expert, but isn’t styrofoam like a Kamikaze plane crashing into the headquarters of the environment? It just makes you think, what the fuck is going on around here? We have Super Bowl Champions in this office (Willie Colon) and we can’t get some god damn water bottles? Dave seemed to like the water bottles so when Dave wants something, that’s usually a good sign that its going to happen.

On the contrary, there have been new water coolers set up around the office, which leads me to believe we are committed to this new way of life.


I’ve heard that this was a move made from the top AKA our CEO Erika Nardini. She’s so much smarter than me and everyone else in this office that I will always blindly follow her leadership. I will miss water bottles though. I love water bottles. But this could be a great move for camaraderie in the office.

We finally have some real water cooler talk going on and I’ve given every member of the office the proper water cooler savvy veteran moves to survive and adapt to the water cooler way of life via twitter.

I’ve worked in an office with a water cooler before so this isn’t my first rodeo. The key to this water war is not to cast blame on either side. It’s to survive and adapt. To survive and advance. That’s what life is all about and that’s what the NCAA Tournament is all about. Jim Valvano said that I’m pretty sure. Jim Valvano reminds me of my grandpa so I’ve always like him.

Regardless of where this water situation leads it will only make us stronger in the long run, I know that for sure. God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers and this seems no different to me. Surviving the transition from water bottles to a water cooler is like surviving a World War but we will survive and we will prevail as a company into the era of no water bottles. To the (eco-friendly) Moon!