Apple Announced It's Revolutionary New Product...A Credit Card!

Engadget- The rumors were true — Apple is releasing its own credit card. Apple Card promises to make the most of the company’s privacy, simplicity and (of course) integration with your iPhone. You can sign up for the Goldman Sachs-backed card directly from your device (it’ll be useful right away), and it’ll appear in an updated version of the Wallet app that can show your latest bills, transactions and spending history. Naturally, you can use Messages to ask for customer service. Security is unsurprisingly important. The virtual version of the card’s data is stored in the same iPhone security chip that handles Apple Pay, and Apple doesn’t know anything about your purchasing history. It also promises that Goldman Sachs won’t share or sell your data to third parties for marketing.

There are financial incentives to use the card. There are no fees (not even international or over-the-limit fees), interest rates are “low,” and clear reward programs. Daily Cash, for instance, gives you 2 percent cash back the same day you make any Apple Pay purchase (3 percent if it’s for purchases from Apple) rather than making you wait until your billing period is over. The card won’t be limited to the digital realm. The company is prepping a real-world credit card made from titanium (yes, really) that has no long card number, signature or other potentially identifying info. If a store can’t handle Apple Pay, then, you have a way to use your card without fear that a thief could make easy use of it. All of your identifying info will sit in the Wallet app, after all. Apple Card launches in the US this summer.

Look at Tim Apple and the gang making yet another splash in the business world by copying the brilliant mind of Billy McFarland and creating a metallic credit card. First Apple got your money, then they got your face, and now they are going to get your social security number plus whatever other bullshit you have to give to get a credit card just so you can keep up with the rest of your friends in the Blue Bubble Gang. Oh yeah and they have your consent too from all the times you hit agree to Apple Terms & Conditions without reading it.

Now I’m sure Steve Jobs is rolling over in his grave or whatever secret Brazilian town he is in as he watches his company go from creating a phone that was a tiny supercomputer to releasing revolutionary ideas like credit cards or an expensive tablet stylus. However, no fees of any sort is pretty fucking awesome, texting to make changes instead of calling someone in India seems a lot easier, and being able to manage your credit card through your phone instead of going on a website isn’t the worst idea in the world. But you want to know what the worst idea in the world is? Being able to see exactly how much money you spent everywhere on your phone.

In case Apple giving me an extremely detailed weekly breakdown of how often I turn off my brain and stare at my screen like a mongoloid wasn’t enough, they now want to show me where I wasted the little money I have? Fuck. That. I know I eat out too much because I have a brain that sends shame feelings to the rest of my body every time I eat a meal that would have cost 1/4th as much if I wasn’t a lazy asshole and cooked at home. In case my daughter’s college fund being comically low because of a million purchases I made at Amazon that I no recollection of making wasn’t bad enough, now I have Siri judging my ass for every purchase I made. Being able to ignore your credit card expenses until the day the bill arrives is one of the closest we can get to running from our problems in the digital age. Having a detailed breakdown of why you are poor sitting next to happy places like Photos and Podcasts is fucked up, even for a company like Apple that willfully removed the headphone jack from all of its phones.