Moms in the UK are Making 'Ethical Porn' for Their Teenagers to Enjoy

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SITTING at the kitchen table, they look like any other group of mums catching up over a cup of tea.

Yet these women, who are meeting for the first time, are on a mission to make an ethical porn film — and will soon be arguing over how many couples to feature in it.

Emma, Anita, Sarah, Sarah-Louise and Jane have been brought together for Channel 4 documentary Mums Make Porn to write, cast and direct an adult film they would be happy for their teenage kids to watch in place of the more disturbing hardcore content freely available to any child with a smartphone. …

Confident they can come up with a healthier alternative to what they have just watched, Sarah-Louise says: “Well, we’re going to enjoy it and we’re going to make a damn good film.” …

Sarah-Louise, inspired by one of her favourite films, 1986’s musical fantasy Labyrinth, starring David Bowie, pitches an early idea for a “classy orgy”.

Is there nothing sacred anymore? And of course by “sacred” I mean so mortifying that a teenager can’t defile his or her own body in private over graphic sexual images without their parents sticking their noses into everything? Does every parent of every teenager have to be Jimbo’s dad from American Pie now?

Can’t these kids just enjoy their debauchery in peace? I mean, even as hard as Amy Poehler in Mean Girls tried to be the cool mom, at least she just encouraged her daughter’s budding alcoholism, abusive behavior and materialistic nihilism. She didn’t meddle in her teenager’s porn habits.

I admit I’m out of the loop on this stuff and how the world works. My sainted mom was old school Irish Catholic who raised me to believe that every human being has their natural needs, wants, desires and biological functions. And that we were to treat all of them with equal amounts of embarrassment. We couldn’t even sit through a maxi pad commercial without nervously grabbing the newspaper to hide behind or find an excuse to run out of the room. Just as God intended.

And that’s how I raised my sons, and it worked out just fine. True story: When our oldest turned 13 The Irish Rose said it’s time to have The Talk with him. And I said, “You’re absolutely right. Let me know how it goes.” “What?” she replied. “Me? You’re his father. You should be the one.” To which I said “You know me. You know what kind of depravity is going on in this head. Do you really want your precious child exposed to this?” End of discussion. Point: me.

So how obtuse are these women, anyway? Were they never 16 years old? What makes them think any teenager wants to see their mother’s view of what “ethical” sex between two strangers actually looks like? A generation of girls have grown up watching their moms reading “50 Shades of Gray.” Now these lunatics are going to act out their latent David Bowie Goblin King fantasies and show their kids what mom’s idea of a tasteful orgy looks like? A bunch of mothers standing around on set sipping tea saying “Ooh, what if Jareth politely asks Sarah if he can finish on her belly while Hoggle watches? That’s hot AND very responsible!” I shudder at the thought.

My only advice is that they better hope going into this that the project is highly profitable. They’re going to need the money because a lifetime of intense psychotherapy is not going to come cheap. That and, while they don’t deserve the help, I have a working title for it. Labia-rinth. You’re welcome.