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Finally, a President is Giving Us What We've Always Wanted: Space Lasers

SourceUS President Donald Trump is planning to test a space-based laser weapon in 2023 to compete against its fierce rivals, Russia and China.

The Pentagon wants to test a neutral particle-beam in orbit in 2023 as part of a ramped-up effort to explore various types of space weapons.

US defence officials have asked for $304million (£228million) to fund research into space lasers, particle beams and other new forms of missile defence next year.

They say the weapons are needed to counter new missiles from China, Russia, North Korea and Iran. …

A senior defence official added: “We’ve come a long way in terms of the technology we use today.

“We now believe we can get it down to a package that we can put on as part of a payload to be placed on orbit.

“Power generation, beam formation, the accelerometer that’s required to get there and what it takes to neutralise that beam, that capability has been matured and there are technologies that we can use today to miniaturise.”

Fucking A, right! It’s about time! U!S!A! U!S!A!

Look, I’m not a real political guy and I don’t want to take sides. But I felt like Obama got a free pass for something that never sat well with me. I didn’t mind him scrapping the Space Shuttle because it was expensive and we lost two of them to catastrophic failure and frankly low Earth orbit is boring in the grand scheme of things.

What I didn’t like though is he had all that money to spend and eight years to get going on it and never even tried to start a building a Death Star like I wanted. And like I still want. I mean, what’s the point of even having a NASA if they’re not up to that simple task?

If you remember the end of Revenge of the Sith, the final shot is the Emperor and a newly robot-faced Anakin Skywalker still fresh from the lava staring out the window to the skeleton of Death Star I under construction. That was when Luke and Leia were newborns. And by the time it was fully operational, they were in their 20s. So these kinds of projects take forever. It’s like building a cathedral in the olden days. The people who put the first shovel in the ground knew they wouldn’t live to see the finished project, but they started it anyway. For posterity.

Well while Trump’s solution isn’t exactly what I want, it’s probably the closest we’ll come in our lifetimes. I can live without a space station the size of a small moon as long as we get our massively destructive laser with the firepower to blast a defenseless planet into space gravel. And let’s not kid ourselves this is all about zapping nuclear warheads out of the sky like a game of Missile Command. Just the thought of it makes me long for the excitement of spending billions to watch guys in space suits tinkering with satellites using million dollar screwdrivers. Fuck that. I’ll accept nothing less than this:

I want literal bang for our buck. That’ll teach the UFOs we mean business. That the kidding around is over. We’re done with sending a couple of guys to the moon to drive golf balls and collect rocks and we are ready for action if they try any of that funny stuff with us.

Seriously, you ask any UFOlogist and they’ll tell you that’s what Reagan was going for when he started the “Star Wars” Strategic Defense Initiative 30 years ago. It wasn’t to scare the Russians (though it had that effect), it was to send a signal to the aliens that we were not to be trifled with. In fact, Lt. Col. Phillip J. Corso wrote the book “The Day After Roswell” about how he worked on that very thing. Only hopefully 30 years and five presidents later we’ve got the technology to do more than just shoot down hostiles, but also vaporize their planets. Then we can all sleep safe.

So thanks, President Trump, from a grateful Earth. 2023 can’t get here soon enough.