The guys at CWB Chicago do a great job compiling this stuff and run a year round site that you should check out. They also have a “tip jar” to help keep their site running. If you can spare a couple of bucks, they are what make this annual blog possible. You can also follow them on twitter here, @CWBChicago Their words in bold, my analysis in regular text. Let’s do it.
No better way to get in the mood than the classic Slow Motion fight of 2017. You can smell the puke from here. Now that we’re in the mindset…
8:15AM — In a sign of things to come, downtown’s St. Patrick’s Day police radio band crackles to life with an officer running a reveler’s name during a street stop. Officer: “Last name is Weed. Like, she’s smoking Weed…”
There is something special about waking up on St Patrick’s day Saturday in Chicago. The winter feels like it’s finally over (we all know this isn’t the case). Conference tournaments are on, March Madness is coming up, the Masters is around the corner and summer time Chicago is not too far away. There’s that whiff of spring in the air and you wake up knowing you’re about to drink far too many Jameson shots and Irish Car Bombs. A day drinking affair that EVERYONE looks forward to. So what if you’ll be violently hungover on Sunday and Monday. So what if you’ll probably watch one of your friends puke and fall or your buddy will break up with his girlfriend in the middle of a bar. That first drink is the absolute best. Usually on an empty stomach and it always goes down smooth. Nirvana.
This had nothing to do with the above scanner call but needed to be said. Now let’s go.
10:00AM — In Wrigleyville, an officer says issuing tickets for drinking on the public way is “like shooting ducks in a barrel out here” as she issues two more citations at Clark and Eddy.
Credit to the CPD for at least trying to keep order on St Patrick’s Day. A sea of drunk people dressed in Green. Also I’m pretty sure no one has ever shot a duck in a barrel, and if they did that’s pretty fucked up, but I digress.
10:33AM — They’re climbing the trees in Grant Park.
A couple Irish Car Bombs and everyone thinks they’re that dude from Free Solo. I love this video because everyone knows the one “climber”. The kid that wasn’t great at sports but could climb the fuck out of tree. This is his Super Bowl. A thousand people watching you climb a tree that has zero chance of holding your body weight. For that one moment, he was Tarazan, King of the Jungle.
10:34AM — “Uh…He’s, uh, he’s off the tree.” Another angle:
Classic hop up “I’m not injured”. No time to worry about bumps and bruises. I remember one year my buddy broke his wrist at like 1 pm, didn’t realize until the next morning. Never be the guy that forces the group to sober up and think about a hospital trip on St Paddy’s day.
10:35AM — First arrest in Wrigleyville. Man is picked up on a warrant during a street stop at Addison and Sheffield.
Talk about shitty odds. Thousands of people that could be arrested and the dude with a warrant gets the cuffs on him. If there’s one day you should be able to blend in…
10:58AM — Because police are checking bags near the parade route, “kids” are drinking and partying closer to Michigan Avenue.
The Kids are at it again! Confiscate the Juuls and water bottles full of Vodka!
12:27PM — “We are not going to send officers into those ‘climbing the tree calls.’ It’s too densely populated there. Record it for the log, but we’re not going in there,” CPD deputy chief says.
The log has been updated.
12:55PM — In Lakeview: “Citizen reports you have a male out front drinking beer and making facial gestures.”
The first call of the day that combines the sober people of Lakeview/Lincoln Park and the drinkers. Go to Southport Corridor on St Patrick’s Day and you’ll see a baby in a stroller next to a guy puking in a tree. The perfect circle of life. Also this guy was definitely licking an invisible pussy right? What other facial gesture gets a call to the Cops?
1:36PM — Lincoln Park Alderman Michele Smith has called 911 to complain about a large party in the 900 block of West Dickens. Officer: “Those parties gonna be going on all day.”
Can’t imagine being more out of touch with your district than Michele Smith thinking there won’t be parties in Lincoln Park. Next you’ll tell me that Sheffield Garden Walk isn’t just people walking around looking at Gardens, or that there is a large crowd outside of Beaumonts at 2 am on a Saturday night. As long as they leave Athenian Room alone, let them party.
1:46PM — 3800 block of Lakewood: “Disturbance mental. Male, white, 30, long sleeve shirt, vest, laying on the caller’s doorstep having a conversation with himself.”
Second encounter of regular people interacting with the drunks. You wake up on a Saturday morning, take your dog out, maybe bring your kids to gymnastics, then come home to a drunk dude having a quarter life crisis on your door step. Some of the best conversations I’ve had in my life have been with myself after a dozen drinks. The “I need to clean up my act and make some real life changes” talk. We’ve all been there, let him work it out himself without getting the police involved.
1:59PM — Three more arrested downtown. Outside the Congress Hotel this time. Charged with fighting and breaking out the hotel’s windows.
Keep the fights to Sluggers guys, we live in a Society.
2:06PM — Officer: “Do you have a description of this” lost female?
Dispatcher: “She’s a drunken female who claims to be a college student.”
Officer: “There are a lot of those around here today.”
We’ve lost Becky! The first “too drunk” girl of the day. She’s probably got a green shot glass around her neck, some orange tights under skirt, and told everyone that she can drink the guys under the table all morning. Fireball shots turn into Jameson and next thing you know we’ve got a bunch of girls in tears and boyfriends pretending to care so that they can get back to drinking without having to worry about the girl that probably went home and ordered 100 dollars worth of pizza in her pajamas
3:09PM — Male caller says the valet stole his wife’s wallet from their car. 100 block of North Wabash.
Imagine thinking the police will care about this? Petty crime is at the bottom of the list on St Patrick’s Day.
3:15PM — Officer requests an ambulance for “two females, mid-20’s throwing up all over the place” at 355 East Grand.
See above. We’ll get to the “sleepers” a little later but the 12-4 time slot is prime time for the people that went way too hard at 9 am. The invincibility wears off into a silent seat at the bar to collect your thoughts. After a half hour of a few waters there’s the one last car bomb thinking you’ve recovered segueing nicely into puke, piss, and tears in the middle of the street.
Robbing an antique shop in the middle of St Paddy’s Day mayhem. That’s some Ocean’s 11 shit. The Perfect Crime (minus the part where she probably got arrested)
4:10PM — “Older male white, bald, green shorts, is urinating in the middle of the street” at Montrose and Clark.
In his Defense, when you’re standing next to Graceland Cemetary you can easily confuse it for being in the Woods. I think this plays. Also be wary of the way too old guy hanging out with his significantly younger friends because all his college buddies have kids in the suburbs. That guy has some inner demons that can only be solved by some aggressive day drinking and public urination.
4:20PM — Biggest arrest of the day. Five men and women are hauled in after a fight at Murphy’s Bleachers in Wrigleyville.
Is Sluggers losing their street cred? Can’t have the first fight of the day at Murphy’s. Although that little stretch outside of Murphy’s under the train tracks with the porta potty’s can confuse even a sober person for a makeshift Octagon.
4:29 PM – N Milwaukee A male causing a disturbance inside Superdawg
Drunk people vs Food Lines is one of the world’s greatest rivalries. Something about standing around waiting for your food when you’re absolutely bombed brings out the worst in people. After we get Peace in the Middle East we should use all our resources to solve this crisis.
4:44PM — Caller says a female got into his car at Clark and Barry and she’s demanding that he take her home. He has an Uber sticker in his window, but he’s not in service, and she refuses to get out.
Just take her home man. This should be illegal to cruise around with an Uber sticker on your window and not be driving people around. Door A) Take her home and don’t deal with the hassle. Door B) Call the police and have to hold a conversation with a drunk person demanding a free ride in the back seat of your Honda Civic. I know which one I’m choosing.
5:36PM — “A highly intoxicated white male wearing a large styrofoam sombrero” is lying down in the middle of Grand and State.
This is what we call, life of the party guy. The guy that dresses up just a little too much before going out. He looks absolutely ridiculous on the walk to the bar, then once everyone is a few beers in his outrageous attire becomes hilarious, only to have the pendulum swing on him when he gets so blacked out he can’t stand. Like a shooting star. He will party harder than anyone in the city, then crash and burn and lie down in the middle of the street for a quick nap.
6:03PM — Whoops! Remember that call about the wife who had her wallet stolen by a valet in the 100 block of North Wabash three hours ago? The dispatchers forgot to assign that call to anyone. “Do you think they are still there?”
Again, who cares.
6:52PM — Back in Lakeview, a 911 caller reports that there is an unknown man living inside his green Jeep.
I alluded to it earlier but the sleepers are now showing up. It started with the guy lying in the middle of the road. Once you hit that 5-8 pm time slot everyone who has been out since 8 am is looking for the best place to get a little shut eye to fight off the Bailey’s gut rot. The St Patrick’s Day time line is such.
10-12 – Teenagers needing an ambulance
12-4 pm – Drunk people crying and puking in the streets
4-8 pm – The Sleepers looking for piece of ground to rest their eyes
8-12 pm – The Zombie Apocalypse – a mix of the sleepers waking up and people who somehow are still standing from the morning. Everyone in the city has that look. The dead eyes, lights are on but nobodies home.
12-2 am – The walking dead. If you’re still standing at this point you either didn’t drink all day or you’re in the middle of an athletic accomplishment people will be talking about for years.
7:52PM — “Criminal trespassing at the Red Line Addison.” CTA reports that a black male in a green jacket was riding on top of the train when it pulled into the station. There’s also an earlier call from a witness who saw him on top of the train as it pulled out of the Belmont stop.
Badass of the day. What an outrageous move. Kind of makes the tree climbers look like child’s play.
I don’t mean to Whole Foods shame here but this is by far the worst Whole Foods in Chicago.
*Stephen A Smith Voice* This Whole Foods has elements of provocation (their hot bar always seems like no one has changed the food out in the past 24 hours)
9:24PM — 911 caller says three men are trying to beat him up. “The call-taker can hear him saying “please, please” as people beat him and he screams for help. Call taker is trying to get an address from him.
This wins fucked up call of the day. I don’t even know what to say about this other than fighting is never worth it. No one will remember the guy that walked away from a “why’d you bump into me” fight outside of a bar.
11:23PM — Neighbors report a party so large, that people are directing traffic for arriving revelers. 2458 North Clybourn. (The same house where an AirBnB party had a 6-hour standoff with a SWAT team last week.)
Clybourn is no man’s land on a day like Saturday. That’s outside the jurisdiction. Like Hamsterdam, just leave it alone.
2:12AM — In Wrigleyville, “Jeremy states that an intoxicated male white in his 40’s slapped him on his butt in front of Sluggers.” He wants a report for criminal sexual assault.
Finally. I knew we could always count on Sluggers. The 2 am ass slap will not stand!
Until next year.