2019 Wrigleyville Scouting Report: Deuces & Diamonds

I hope everyone got a big fresh taste of day drinking in Chicago this weekend. It was outstanding conditions and for my money I can’t imagine a better blogging topic than this. The time is here ladies and gents. We’ve been talking about it for weeks now and it’s finally upon us. It’s party time in Chicago.

It’s March Madness week. After that we got Opening Day. After that we got the Final Four. Then Wrigley Field opening Day. Then the Masters, then Game of Thrones, then *whoops* it’s already Cinco de Mayo Sunday and you’ve got to work tomorrow. Don’t worry though, you have 16 consecutive weekends of Chicago Summer headed your way. Chug a pedialyte and pick yourself up… we have some Wrigleyville bars to hit.

This series is dedicated to all the bars that make Wrigleyville a Disney World destination for adults. You can find earlier Scouting Reports here:

Old Crow
Irish Oak
Sluggers
Houndstooth
Dark Horse Tap & Grille

This week is special because it’s the first time we’re reviewing a place I don’t love. But even so it gets a lot of foot traffic so it’s going in the rotation to keep you filthy animals happy. As always, all grades on the 20-80 MLB Scouting Scale. Let’s get started:

Overview: Deuces is an outsider bar. Not OUTSIDE bar. I’m saying OUTSIDER like a place for traditional-non-locals. Like the large group from Naperville will all meet here once the train gets into Union Station and they have time to Uber up to Wrigley. It’s for the bachelorette party from Des Moines, or the college road trip in April. The bar is physically impressive with different levels and a ridiculous patio and generally just a bunch of stuff that looks nice.

The problem is that’s not what you sign up for when you come to Wrigley. The neighborhood is awesome for a lot of reasons and almost none of them have to do with the appearance of Nice Things. That’s a fact.

Bathrooms = 40. One in the basement. One on the top floor that requires an escalator. Almost always a bathroom attendant and this time they’re pretty aggressive. These are Professional Attendants. They will not hesitate to tell you that squeeze of hand-soap is going to cost. And they’ll also take all the paper towels out of the dispensers so you have to get your product directly from their hands. I understand why you make that move but I still hate it. I want the option to interact with my attendant. That’s my choice.

Deuces loses big points here because you have to go to the back of the bar to take a piss. Upstairs or downstairs you are forced to navigate dozens of tables with a lot of the “scuse me” shoulder taps that come with it. Nothing about the experience is convenient. Only thing keeping this grade somewhat afloat is that there’s more than 3 places to piss in both bathrooms. That’s a health code violation in most cities but a luxury in Wrigleyville.

Patio = 60. The patio is what’s going to catch your attention. It’s the first thing anyone notices when walking past, and a lot of that has to do with it looking like a crossover between a Vegas pool and your buddy’s backyard.

It’s a nice vibe for being one block from the baseball field. And of course it looks cool and edgy. But again, this is Wrigleyville. We’re not trying to be that cool… we’re looking to responsibly slug some great tasting less filling responsible Miller Lites with as many friends as possible and with the least amount of distractions available. That’s what does so well at places like Houndstooth and Dark Horse. Like let’s cut all the bullshit and get down to business: we want reliable service, square footage for the boys and a unique story. I love the action this patio brings but ultimately it’s just a ploy to make you go Wow that place looks cool we should go inside. Regardless of how cool it actually is, you’ll never win me over like that. It’s Wrigleyville clickbait.

Atmosphere = 50. This one’s average but not because it’s always in the middle. It’s average because it’s usually on farther ends of the spectrum and just happens to settle at the mid-point. Lots of extremes here.

Remember the part about this being an outsider bar? That usually means things can get weird and loud fast. You don’t have your regulars here, you have your tourists. So you can still rack up some free shots/drinks if you know how to talk to Out-Of-Towners, and there’s definitely a good amount of hot older Women aged 35-45. But generally there’s not consistent neighborhood Buzz and that’s because it lacks those neighborhood stool hounds blowing the day’s wages responsibly. Stop trying so hard, Deuces.

Drink Replenishment = 50. Average I’d say and maybe that’s generous. The staff doesn’t really care that much about how you’re doing which is understandable. It’s their job not their life’s work. Still, I want more from my bartending staff then being extremely tan. Even so, the bar is pretty big:

In a rare move, there’s four sides of action for the main bar which sounds accessible but in practice it’s much different. The options mean there’s more opportunities for the bartenders to have their backs to you. Also, you can be waiting for much longer there if one of the Tenders gets on a hot streak on one side of the bar. Compare that to your standard bar where there’s only one major line of sight. Way easier to get served there, right? That’s because you have to make it easy on the bartender. Don’t give them a 360 degree view of the place. Box them in and get your drinks.

Outside of the main bar you have a large staff of younger girls that Just started a few weeks ago so let me see if we still have that. Expect slightly-longer-than-normal-wait times across this extremely spacious bar:

Intangibles = 45. You already know the bulk of this is going to tie back to it being a cool looking bar on its face, but then not really having anything when you get there. Can you jump in the pool? No. Is the patio comfortable? Absolutely not. They do bottle service though. Maybe you want bottle service after a day in the bleachers?

Right. No one does. But that doesn’t stop Deuces from offering it like it’s River North circa 2009.

Overall = 45. I’m trying to be as fair and balanced as possible. I’m judging Deuces on the same basis as Sluggers, Tooth, Dark Horse and all the others so far. These aren’t just great bars in Wrigley or even Chicago. They’re just great bars, period. So naturally I think it’s safe to say the competition here is slightly more robust which isn’t a knock on Deuces. It’s a nod to what it takes to be successful on Clark Street.