I’ll be honest. I see all the big and small-name celebrities pouring into my office to star on my coworker’s podcasts on a daily basis, and I get insanely fucking jealous. I constantly and obsessively daydream about having a chart-topping podcast of my own one day, but it’s just not that realistic when you have a face for radio, a voice for blogging, and a personality for suicide. Those barriers don’t stop me from fantasizing though. Here’s my dream lineup of podcast guests in no particular order.
Cole LaBrant (Youtuber/Former Vine Star)
The “No Longer A Virgin” Episode
If you know anything about me, then you know this is a personal issue that I’ve been struggling with for 20 months now. I need to know the timeline of events and thought-processes that led up to the conception of such a spine-chilling tweet. Was it premeditated or impulsive? How soon after the intercourse was it sent? Did his wife roll over post-coitus and catch him typing that out? I’d have a field day with this one.
Jesse Carmichael, Mickey Madden, James Valentine, Matt Flynn, PJ Morton, and Sam Farrar (Maroon 5 minus Adam Levine)
Did you know the other members of Maroon 5 looked like that? Did you know any of their names? Did you know there was a black guy? No you didn’t, unless you are them. Imagine the stories they have after years of being universally-unrecognizable dudes who got to tour, perform, and party with one of the biggest superstars in the world. Imagine the things they’ve seen. Are you imagining Adam Levine fucking?
I’d tell them about how I got banned from Kent State WiFi for illegally downloading Moves Like Jagger my freshman year, and they’d probably reinforce me with fake laughter and witty barbs. They look they’d have an arsenal of incredible puns. I’d be on top of the world.
Chef Dee (DJ Khaled’s Personal Chef)
The “Drag Him, Queen” Episode
We’d chop it up about the Miami culinary scene and shoot the shit about kitchen cutlery. But most importantly, we’d talk about how much DJ Khaled sucks. Like most of the people who unwillingly made appearances in his Snapchat stories, Chef Dee visibly loathed DJ Khaled and his aggressively obnoxious presence. I’d be honored to give her a platform to let it all out.
Anna Gunn (Skyler White from Breaking Bad)
The “Shoot My Shot” Episode
I know what you’re probably thinking: the premise of this episode would revolve around how she’s one of the most hated characters in television history. Nope. While everyone was wishing for her death and demise, I was wishing for her softcore cable sex scenes to last longer and be more graphic. I had a full-blown celebrity crush on her, and I still do.
An Uncontacted Tribal Person and Translator (if needed)
Remote tribal people who are completely isolated from civilization are the closest living things we have on this earth to aliens. It would be fascinating to communicate with them first or second-hand and learn about their lives and cultural differences. I’d probably just ask them questions about jacking off though.
Kaitlin “Gun Girl” Bennett’s Former Coworker (Alleged Pants Shitter)
The “Dirty Truth” Episode
Most of you probably know about the infamous Poop Scandal by now. But did you know about this Twitter claim that was made by the convicted shitter over 8 months ago? In the off chance that her mysterious coworker actually exists, I’d love to hear her side of the story.
Richard “Dick” Hatch (Survivor Winner/All Star)
The “Childhood Hero” Episode
I think the first season of Survivor had a bigger impact on my childhood than high-speed internet and puberty combined. At the time, I viewed the contestants as A-list celebrities, and I viewed a million dollars as the maximum amount of money that someone could possibly have. Jeff Probst was my Jesus and Richard Hatch was my God. I’d love to pick his brain.
Jacob Sartorius (Talentless Pop Star)
The “Mortal Enemy” Episode
A common question I get asked is something along the lines of, “Do you actually hate that Jacob Sartorius kid, or is that just a bit for Twitter?” My answer couldn’t be more of a resounding, earth-shattering yes. I actually do have a deep, semi-irrational hatred for him. It started in 2015 when he ruined my Christmas with this video:
Now he’s old enough to U-turn and he’s still posting the same type of shit on social media. Unfortunately, the episode would almost certainly suck cataclysmic amounts of shit, because he has the personality of a monkey emoji and the sense of humor of a Magic 8 Ball.
The Sears Air Conditioner Commercial Couple (Anonymous Actors)
The “90s Nostalgia” Episode
I’m pretty sure this commercial was some kind of CIA mind-control experiment or government-imposed subliminal message. The comically bad acting? The weird tension that may or may not have been sexual? The fact that it was always on TV? I’m positive the two of them have some dark secrets, and I’d love to get to the bottom of it. Are they even still alive? They’re probably dead.
Daniel “Damn Daniel” Lara (Viral Internet Star)
This kid seems like he’d be an absolute yawn of an interview, so I’d probably try to legally persuade him to get drunk beforehand. Regardless, he deserves to be in a museum for the way he unintentionally exploded into worldwide fame overnight by simply being filmed walking around his school. The way he unexpectedly and abruptly reached the pinnacle of high school popularity as a 14-year-old freshman without even doing anything is a true phenomenon. I know he’s experienced some shit. And I’m sure the piercing sound of “Daaaamn Daniel!” is like Chinese water torture to him by now, so I’d play that soundbite on loop every time he refused to give me a good answer.
Loonette the Clown (The Big Comfy Couch)
The “Just Clowning Around” Episode
Yeah yeah, I know. She’s probably on everyone’s dream podcast guest list. I don’t care. I want her too. I think she was played by two different actresses. I’d gladly take either. In full costume. We’d shoot the shit and have some fun.
Manti Te’o (NFL Player)
The “Reminder” Episode
It cannot be overstated that Manti Te’o, a college football superstar, elaborately staged the existence and death of his fictional girlfriend. I wouldn’t even need answers or explanations. I’d just feel the need to remind him that he did that.
Elderly Man Who Told Me I Look Just Like His Granddaughter
The “Closure” Episode
It’s been nearly four years since this happened and it still plagues my mind for some reason. I think a podcast might be overkill, but I’d love to get a second chance to ask him more questions about this granddaughter of his.
JK Rowling: The “Put Me To Sleep” Episode
I have a weird, recurring fantasy where I take a sedative or tranquilizer immediately before starting a podcast with JK Rowling, just so I can fall asleep in the middle of her telling me about something I don’t care about.
Drunk, Foul-Mouthed British/Scottish Teens: The “Lads From The UK” Episode
I wouldn’t say a word. It would just be them incoherently bantering for an hour. I’d either be in heaven or hell.
Sexually Active Siamese Twins: The “Would It Be Fucked Up If I Asked…” Episode
My Parents (On MDMA): The “Please Just Tell Me You Love Me” Episode
Random Flat Earther: The “Flat Earther” Episode
One of Daniel Bilzerian’s Models: The “How Much Did He Pay You?” Episode
My Former Catholic School Religion Teachers: The “Reading My Blogs Out Loud” Episode