Lawyer Wants Punxsutawney Phil Sentenced To Death Because He Keeps Fucking Up Groundhog Day
You’re a fucking dead man, Phil
Washington Post – As severe cold grips the eastern U.S. on March 21, Punxsutawney Phil’s forecast for an early spring is best described as an epic failure. The prosecuting attorney of Butler County, Ohio, Michael Gmoser, wants the groundhog to pay for his flawed prediction, with his life. Gmoser filed an indictment against Phil which reads accordingly:
On or about February 02,2013, at Gobbler’s Knob, Punxsutawney Phil did purposely, and with prior calculation and design, cause the people to believe that Spring would come early. Contrary to the Groundhog day report, a snowstorm and record low temperatures have been and are predicted to continue in the near future, which constitutes the offense of MISREPRESENTATION OF EARLY SPRING, a Unclassified Felony, and against the peace and dignity of the State Of Ohio.
SPECIFICATION: The people further find and specify that due to the aggravating circumstances and misrepresentation to the people that the death penalty be implemented to the defendant, Punxsutawney Phil
Gmoser said in a phone interview that waking up to snow and temperatures in the teens on the second day of spring served as motivation for the indictment. “When he betrays us like this, something has to be done,” Gmoser said.
I mean I know it sounds crazy, but where has accountability in this world gone? Punxsutawney Phil has gotta be worse at his job than absolutely anybody on the planet earth. He’s a once-a-year weatherman oracle that fucks us every single time. He’s like never right. And this year he was as wrong as wrong gets. Didn’t see his shadow, says spring is here, and for the past 6 weeks I’ve been freezing my dick off. We’ve gotten collectively like 30 inches of snow since he said that shit. So where’s the punishment? Are we supposed to just ignore this abominable prediction? Allow him to go back into his hole with no repercussions and wait for him to do it again next year?
Thats like Seth Davis predicting Montana would upset Syracuse last night. Oh really? Well they lost by fucking 50. So what now? He just shows up to work today at CBS like nothing happened? Just hop back in front of the camera and give out more predictions on the tournament like that never happened? Like he’s still got credibility? For sure not. Seth Davis should be fired and Punxsutawney Phil should be put to death. Actually, maybe Seth Davis should be executed as well. I just don’t think we can let these atrocious predictions go on unchecked.