Trent blogged this earlier and incorrectly opened by calling Diane a queen. I mean she is a queen in all aspects except the dictionary’s definition. While the lack of any royal blood or marriage certificate prevents her from being New York’s first Queen Bee since Lil’ Kim was hot in the streets, I guarantee you that Diane could become Mayor of New York tomorrow if she ran. Mayor de Blasio curls into a ball like that big bitch Punxsutawney Phil whenever winter casts its big, cold shadow upon New York. Meanwhile Diane spits hot fire that would burn the Night King to a crisp and send his zombie followers back North of The Wall And is probably puking her guts out seeing the city schools closed for snow more than 12 hours before they are supposed to open.
We are all sick of the weiyaaad ass people that live in the Northeast all year round yet still freak the fuck out the minute a snowflake appears in the forecast and buy every ounce of milk and bread for their milk sandwiches during a snow storm. Well Diane A. Smith is ready to call out all of those assholes for getting bent out of shape because a little bit of frozen water is going to fall from the sky. It was in the SINGLE digits a few weeks ago. The Chicago office was almost curtains a month after it opened, everyone knows March roars in like a lion and pussyfoots out like lamb, and neither of these storms have badass names like Bomb Cyclones and Polar Vortex associated with it. Yet people are worried about the substance that covers 71% of the Earth falling for a few hours in freezing temperatures. RIP the term New York Tough. In fact, the only thing that people in the city can complain about during a snow storm are the slush puddles on the corner that I once saw swallow a family of four whole. My biggest regret about not being able to commute to the office daily is to see the gaggle of new hires Barstool adds every other week arrive at the office after their first snow storm in New York looking like Jack at the end of Titanic.
And in case Diane In Brooklyn has no interest in politics because she’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now, I formally request her to be Barstool’s weather lady while Frank The Tank ascends to his rightful throne as our traffic guy.
Try and tell me that traffic and weather together with Diane & Tank isn’t Internet Emmy shit. You can’t
P.S. I thought this silly bastard was going to get chewed up and spit out by Winter Storm Diane.
However Diane is a firm but fair ranter that only has the weiyad people bitching about snow in her crosshairs instead of sassy videobombers.
P.P.S. Did I write this entire blog, realize Trent already blogged it immediately after hitting Publish, and then tweak it by going with the Run For Mayor angle? Maybe, maybe not, maybe fuck yourself. But here is my penance if I hypothetically double blogged on a Sunday where I am running on 3 hours of sleep, was out all day because I took the kids to a Marvel Universe Live show in the morning, and have been mentally preparing for having those two little monsters snowed in with me for the next 24+ hours (not complaining about the snow, Mayor-To-Be Diane. Just stating facts).