The Barstool Fund - In Support Of The 30 Day FundLearn More

BREAKING: Jason Witten Has Unretired From Football And Will Rejoin The Dallas Cowboys

I apologize for the extremely cliche gif from The Office to start this blog, but I truly have no other way to express my emotions. I’m sure fans of any team outside of the NFC East are thrilled that they no longer have to hear a robot try to express emotions for 17 Monday nights and the 4:30 Wild Card game in Houston. But every Giants, Eagles, and Redskins fan now has a boogeyman back in their lives that will catch every big pass on 3rd down despite having nothing but old man moves, a 52 Speed rating, and the uncanny ability to stay on his feet. I just got off the phone with the Elias Sports Bureau and they told me Jason Witten has only been ruled down due to forward progress or being pushed out of bounds on every single one of his catches. Now Witten has fought off a full fucking retirement and stint on TV to come back and haunt my life.

I can mute bad analysis on Monday Night Football or switch to the Spanish broadcast if I want it to make things a little caliente. But I can’t mute a plodding tight end that is slow, strong, and flat out unkillable ripping my team’s heart out of their chest twice a season every season for forever despite the complete inability to get separation. Jason Witten is the NFC East’s Michael Myers and today he went Halloween H2O on all our asses while ensuring he will no longer be a punchline on Twitter every week. Fuck!

It was all good just a year ago.

On the bright side, I bet Joe Tessitore just popped a bottle champagne and is grinning from ear to ear right now while he pisses on the Boogermobile’s grave.