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Santa Claus Is A Baby Back Bitch

santa-claus

I guess some context here would be necessary, huh? Well okay then. It all started when earlier this morning, I put out this very correct take about John Tavares making his return to the Island tonight.

Booing John Tavares for signing with the Maple Leafs in free agency is equivalent to booing an alcoholic for deciding to stop drinking. The man made a great life decision. Nothing more, nothing less. I’m not here to talk about how correct I am that John Tavares deserves nothing but praise from Islanders fans for sticking with that organization for as long as he did. That’s besides the point. Because the point I’m making here is now I’ve got a bunch of Islanders fans crying in my mentions about how a Flyers fan shouldn’t be able to consider themselves the moral authority on when it comes to booing and not booing. And I understand that sentiment in some regards, but absolutely fucking not when these damn fools feel the need to bring up Santa Claus again.

This is something that has been a long time coming but I’m finally ready to get it out there to the public….

SANTA CLAUS IS NOT REAL, YOU DUMB MOTHER FUCKING IMBECILES.

Holy shit, man. I feel like I’ve been taking crazy pills my entire life. Any time Philly fans get brought up anywhere outside of Philadelphia, the fact that we threw snowballs at Santa comes into the conversation. As if Santa is a real fucking person who needs to be defended. You know what? Santa Claus is a bitch. That’s right. Santa is the biggest baby back bitch on planet Earth. It’s been DECADES since that incident and Santa still needs the rest of the world trying to defend him from getting hit with a few snowballs? Give me a break, dude.

Philly fans did not throw snowballs at Santa Claus. We threw snowballs at some drunk dude who dressed up in a costume as a fictional character who breaks into people’s homes every year on Christmas morning. Yeah. Did you ever think of that? Santa is a criminal. Santa isn’t going around knocking on people’s doors and willingly being invited into these homes. He is literally breaking into them by climbing down the chimney. No invite. No nothing. Just a clear breaking and entering. So is that what the world has come to? Everybody shaming Philadelphia for decades because we threw a few snowballs at a criminal?

But again. Santa Claus isn’t real. I mean it would make sense why Islanders fans would think he’s still real considering they believe that Tavares wasn’t going to leave in free agency. But he’s not real. And we have an entire nation of idiots who constantly feel the need to bring up the fact that Philadelphia threw snowballs at a fake holiday character, who was really just some drunk dude who was told to put on a costume. Yet people think that we’re the idiots here in Philly. What a joke.

@BarstoolJordie