Dear David Portnoy,
I write to you today not as Big Ev, not as the Double Vodka Don, not as the King of the Hawaiian, not as Ya Wifey’s Favorite Big Boy, not as Your Mom’s Favorite Friend, but by my government name, Evan McDowell. I am a man of many names, but Evan McDowell embodies all these characters into one abnormally large shaped head and body. I feel I belong on the third floor for a number of reasons. Here they are.
During my short time at Barstool we have shared so many memorable moments.
I remember this day like it was yesterday. This was our first real chance to speak 1 on 1 and the topic of conversation was to prove to you that I was just a weed dealer and not a dealer of date rape drugs. Thankfully my father had saved the paperwork from my arrest so the documentation could back up what I was saying. Our next encounter that day was you commenting on the titty sweat I had developed on my shirt from carrying cases of water and ice all the way up the stairs to the 10th floor (there was multiple trips). In fairness to you I had produced an egregious amount of titty sweat for a Wednesday afternoon. Our exchange made the video that was being filmed. Just goes to show even the sweat that drips down my man boobs is content.
This next moment was very special to me. It may have been just another day in the content world to the inventor of the internet aka you, but this was the day I was finally put on the big stage. This was the day I realized all the hard work I had put in making videos in my college basement and filming videos on Spring Break instead of drinking paid off. Getting catfished sure as hell didn’t hurt but I’d like to think it was a culmination of all of the above. I distinctly remember coming out on the set live for the first time and you quickly commented on how rotund I looked standing sideways in the shot. I appreciated that because rotund is a very nice way to say fat.
This is a picture of myself after flying on your private jet together. As a youth it was always on my bucket list to fly private. Never in a million years did I think I would be able to check that off the list a mere days after my 24th birthday. Davey Pageviews making dreams come true, what else is new. You wrote a blog making fun of Big Cat for people thinking my large body flooding into the aisle of the plane was actually his. Even when I wasn’t trying to make content I was making content. Seems like a real 3rd floor move if you ask me. I also specifically remember this flight because I lost my shirt gambling on college football that weekend. I was physically comfortable on our private charter but mentally miserable due to the deep hole I was in. Gambling. Another opportunity to be involved in content. It makes ya think.
This is the moment where I started to believe I had a chance to make it at Barstool. We went to your alma mater, the University of Michigan, for a live college football show. As an Ohio State alum I felt it necessary to rep my Ohio State gear for the show. I almost got into fist fights with multiple Michigan fans in that crowd, but they knew better than to take a swing at me. I would have kicked their asses if they really tried me but most importantly they knew that I was with you. By chugging a beer from a baseball bat and throwing my can in the air I fired up the crowd to the point it was so loud you could barely hear in your headphones. After that show we had a moment I will never forget. I walked back into the house we were hanging out in and you looked me in the windows of my soul and said “Ev, great job.” In my short time at Barstool I knew you were not much of an “atta boy” guy so getting a “great job” from you was nothing short of elating. I did something on camera, for a piece of content that you said “great job” to. I don’t want to get ahead of myself but that seems like a very third floor thing to do.
This was upon returning to New York after our Michigan trip. I was wrongfully accused of farting in the bar all night due to my wide stature and you called me on radio to defend myself. Despite the fact this was an electric radio segment one thing should remain clear from this exchange. Even my (alleged) farts create content. I (allegedly) had content literally floating out of my asshole. Content. Content. Content.
Our next trip to Florida featured multiple electric moments together. First I was graced with the privilege of being the “Ring Girl’s Guy” for RNR6 in Jacksonville. I’ve never loved an assignment I’ve been given at Barstool more than that. I feel I did a fantastic job and there were people all across this nation saying I had stolen the show. My Milly rock game is bonkers and somehow the camera found its way on me even when it wasn’t my intention. I make content out of jobs that aren’t even meant for the content. Seems very third floor-esque. I also bring the electric factory to any live show. I do it all for the content.
This was a moment I had to include. I’m sorry for what my alma mater did to yours and I’m sorry for the fashion they did it in. It was an ugly, vicious beating that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. But the show must go on and this is where I really started to hit stride. I’m usually not one to toot my own horn but this was the most electric mortal lock given of the entire season. I put my heart and soul into this mortal lock and I did it for two reasons. For the content and for you Dave. You believed in me before you had even really gotten to meet me, so whenever that camera flashes my only goal is to make you proud. There have been times I’ve fallen short of that but I hope I have made you proud more times than I haven’t.
This picture is a culmination of all the great times and the great content which I owe every moment of to you. If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t have been on the field for Army-Navy and if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be writing this blog right now. You’ve made me better as a man and a content creator. I still have a long ways to go in both areas but everyday I’ve spent being around you and learning from you has brought me closer and closer to the man and content creator that I strive to be.
I remember sitting in my college house with my friends watching every pizza review and every video just hoping one day I would make it to the point that I just got to meet you. Sitting here a year later having gotten many coffees for you and flying on private planes with you it all has been nothing short of a dream come true. After my intern class was moved down to the second floor I’ve hoped and prayed to make my way back to the third floor. Although I did not have time to list every single great moment we’ve had together, I hope this letter is sufficient enough for you to find it within your heart to bless me with the privilege to find my way back to the third floor. Regardless of your decision I just want to say thank you for the opportunity.
P.S. – I’m flying to Milwaukee tomorrow to do content so that seems like the job of someone who belongs on the content floor. Thanks and god bless.