Robert Kraft Should Be Forced To Give Handjobs To Every NFL Owner As An Apology For Tarnishing The Shield

As Former Presdent George W Bush said in his famous biopic- Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay-

“You like getting handjobs?”

‘Yeah’

“You like giving handjobs?”

‘No’

“Well I guess that makes you a hypocrit too.”

-George W. Bush

And if theres one thing the NFL will not tolerate and thats hypocrisy. Roger Goodell has made that abundantly clear that every owner will be held to the same high standard of accountabilty that he himself is held to- make a ton of money, and dont do anything that makes the league make less money.

We’ll have to wait untill the video evidence comes to light before we make any rash decisions but as long as Robert Kraft wasnt caught having his little penis rubbed in a elevator its safe to say that Goodell wont be supsending him. Instead the Commissioner will likely go with a punishment that is designed to rehabiltate Mr. Kraft so that he learns his lesson. Theres a old saying in crimnal justice that the punishment should fit the crime, so it would seem apporprate that Robert Kraft have to spend the offseason jacking off each and every one of his fellow owners to completion until he realizes what a misstake he made. I can almost guarentee you this will be a affective deterrent to any future owners who might be foolish enough to try to partake in Mr Krafts alleged crimes that have been come to be known as BateGate.

Kraft has always been a hands on owner when it came to his own team- selecting Coach Bill Belchick personally to lead his team to greatness, but I guess in his mind you have to live nasty if you want to dynasty. Now its time for him to put his money where his mouth is, rename his luxury wooden office “Palm County” and put so much aqualube on his hands that Roger Goodell wont be able to snatch any draft picks out of them.

My guess is the severity of his transgressions will start to sink in around handjob number 14, once Stan Kroenke is toweling off and 30,000 uncircumcized Wisconsinites aka Cheese-Heads let themselves into the room and drop their trousers. That said it will be a little bit of sweet revenge to finaly get to beat Mr Mara for a change

Quick power ranking of the owners who will be the most cumbersome people to masturbate for Mr. Kraft.

1. The Glazers- sometimes a name says it all

2. The Green Bay ownership Conglomerate.Just a total time suck here. Kraft would emerge from this session with forearms like popeye and hands like Olive Oyl.

3. Dan Snyder- Dan probably hired a private contractor to clear out of of his pubes so that Mr Kraft will have a better line of sight of his dick.

4. Falcons owner- They dont call him Shootin’ Blanks for nothing folks. He strikes me as a guy who has trained himself through a series of Kegel exercises to have phantom orgasms in a sly nod to Atlantas great sports history- always close to finishing but the ultmate reward never comes. The greatest modern day equivlant to Sissyphus rolling his boulder uphill for the rest of eternity is being made to jack off Arthur Blank untill the Falcons win a superbowl. Almost makes 28-3 worth it if your a Falcons fan

5. Mark Davis. I dont believe that Mark Davis has ever had sex-hence why he allways dresses in white, but I do believe that he has been masturbated to completion somewhere north of 40,000 times. A all-time handjob guy through-and-through. Mark Davis shows to to a handjob with his own spotify playlist, lotion, and yelp review page ready to be filled out on his phone. This is a man who takes his handjobs so serously that he’s relocating his entire franchise to be closer as the crow flies to the Bunny Ranch. Ever seen a handjob compilaton video on youporn where its the same gusy weiner the whole time? Thats allways Mark Davis. And although he would bring a sense of cool proffesionalism to the ordeal he would also just be a intimidating guy to jerk off because he’s judging the bejeezus out of your technique non-stop. Like your pouring frozen margaritas at a Senor Frogs and Jon Taffer walks in. Top 5 handjob guy in world history and number one of the 21st century by a wide margin.