Nintendo Just Named Doug Bowser As Its Next President
CNET- Nintendo of America’s president and chief operating officer Reggie Fils-Aime is retiring in April, the company said Thursday. Doug Bowser, currently the senior vice president of sales and marketing for Nintendo of America, will fill the role of president after Fils-Aime’s last day on April 15.
Bowser, the next president, began working at Nintendo of America in 2015 as vice president of sales. He was promoted to senior vice president of sales and marketing the following year, and headed sales and marketing for Nintendo Switch. Before working at Nintendo of America, Bowser worked as an executive at Electronic Arts and was in different sales leadership positions at Procter & Gamble.
No offense to Mr. Bowser, who is likely a very nice warm-blooded man without multiple charges of kidnapping the same innocent woman over and over again on his record. But Nintendo cannot hire a guy named Bowser as President of the company. I don’t care how many Switches Dougie Boy sold or what type of microtransaction money he made for EA, or how many gallons of laundry detergent he was able to sling at P&G. There is bad juju, terrible juju, and then making someone with the same name as your company’s biggest villain the President juju. Making Doug Bowser the head of Nintendo sales or accounting is one thing. But Nintendo president is quite another. I guarantee if someone with the last name Goodell came to Barstool tomorrow with a blank check that would literally put Barstool HQ on the moon in exchange for being named president, Portnoy would rip the check up and have that clown escorted out of the building immediately just like this.
You put a Mario, a Yoshi, or a Zelda in charge, Nintendo’s stock will go through the roof. But if you put a Bowser in charge of Nintendo, you are basically turning yourself into Nike after their shoe exploded on Zion’s foot.
Since we are in the truth tree spitting honesty, can we all admit that Bowser has sucked since pretty much Day 1? The big ginger bitch has been the final boss for Nintendo’s biggest franchise for more than 30 years and hasn’t had one memorable moment. His go-to move of stealing a blonde chick was clearly lifted from King Kong. Based on my countless hours of playing Mario Kart, he is easily one of the least used drivers. And for some reason, he dropped the incredible and alliterative name of King Koopa for boring ass Bowser. They say villains are what make a great hero. However, I have no choice but to give Mario all the credit in the world for putting Nintendo on his back despite having a worthless black sheep sidekick brother, a weirdo mushroom headed fuckface friend, and a completely forgettable nemesis. Hopefully for Nintendo’s sake Doug Bowser is better than Bowser Koopa, which admittedly shouldn’t be too hard, especially since Doug has already steered into the skid of his fucked up name.