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Illinois Officially Proposes Legal Marijuana & Sports Gambling

SPRINGFIELD, Ill. — Illinois Gov. J.B. Pritzker unveiled his first annual budget proposal Wednesday amid an estimated $3.2 billion deficit. The Democrat is planning on a $39 billion budget for the fiscal year that begins July 1. Part of his plan includes raising more than $1 billion in state revenue by legalizing recreational marijuana and sports betting. He also wants a tax on insurance companies. 

Hey how ya doin. JB Pritzker isn’t fucking around apparently. It’s one thing to hear it on the campaign trail – we’ve been listening for months now – but it’s another thing to get it on the House floor. Like a Butterball Turkey stuffed in a freshly handcrafted Armani suit. JB Pritzker is here to let you know Illinois is making a comeback and we’re using vices to get there. Let’s fucking go.

On the other hand, I’ve talked repeatedly that the sports gambling relationship with your bookie is sacred and I don’t understand why anyone would want that compromised. I want my losses to go towards my bookie’s girlfriend’s tits, not JB Pritzker’s campaign promises. Nothing against your Uncle’s pension I’m just being honest. I’m going to lose. You’re going to lose. We might as well have some fun in the process.

Marijuana on the other hand is a different story. Admit it – your casual drug dealer from Miami (OHIO) is too flaky for your preference. Sometimes he texts you back right away. Sometimes he goes rogue. Sometimes the weed’s a little dry. Sometimes it’s a little too potent. Sometimes you might even go across the hall to that one weird guy whose apartment reeks around the clock. Oops turns out you just smoked some angel dust and hopefully you don’t have to operate heavy machinery any time soon.

tenor (2)JB is out to solve your problems. No more accidentally hurting someone with the forklift. No more Sunday nights without your precious Flower. No more missed opportunities to hotbox the bedroom with your golden retriever and 8 hours of streaming Planet Earth. This is politics at work and it feels good. Or maybe it’s just the contact high I’m getting from all this THC talk.

Either way, congrats to JB on locking up the governorship for life.