Ever since these words came out of John Tortorella’s mouth last night, it’s the only thing I’ve been able to think of. I mean just try to put yourself in Artemi Panarin’s shoes right now. I understand that may be a difficult task considering he’s a Russian professional athlete and you’re just some regular ass American dude working some regular job right now like the rest of us, but still. Just imagine you are Artemi Panarin.
You are sick in so many different ways. You are figuratively sick of playing in Columbus and you’ve been dying to get out of that place for at least a full year at this point. You are literally sick as a dog considering he wasn’t able to play last night for all the reasons laid out by Torts there. And on top of it all, your head coach gives a quote to the media saying that you shit your pants. The entire hockey world now knows that there is fecal matter in your pants, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Now I said this in my blog last night and I’ll say it again–if the Torts quote is true, there’s obviously nothing wrong with the Bread Man shitting himself. He’s sick as a dog and sometimes when you’re sick, you just can’t control your bodily functions. It’s not like he shit himself because he got too drunk. It’s not like he shit himself because he’s just a disgusting human being. Buddy was just violently ill which resulted in him dumping in his drawers. We’ve all been there before and it’s a non-story. The story here, of course, is the fact that his coach just blasted it out there for everybody to know. Which leads me to my question.
Would you be pissed if your head coach let the world know that you have shat yourself? Because I don’t think there’s a simple “yes” or “no” answer here. I think I’d be a little taken aback at first. I’d probably think to myself that Torts is a real mother fucker for letting that one loose. But then I’d remember that I’m Artemi Panarin and I’m about to finally get traded out of Columbus and become an unrestricted free agent on July 1st. I’d remember that I’d have somewhere around $8-10 million per year coming my way once the summer comes around. I think that’s the type of money right there that would make me perfectly fine with the world knowing that I’ve defecated myself. And once the initial shock of the quote wears off, I think everybody else would also realize that shitting yourself is just a part of life. It’s something that happens to everybody–Gun Girl knows what I’m talking about. Nobody is better or worse of a person because they’ve shit their pants or not.
So my final answer would be that initially I’d think that Torts is a bit of a smacked ass for that quote. But once it’s out there, it’s out there. And just like that sickness that is ravaging your body, it’ll pass. So the final verdict here is minimal harm, minimal foul. Now if we want to be talking about quotes from Torts last night that are TRULY fucked up and damaging towards a player, here’s what we had to say about Anthony Duclair.
Yiiiiiiiiiiikes. I’d much rather a coach tell everybody that I literally shit myself off the ice as opposed to figuratively shitting my pants on the ice. That’s a tough one to come back from.