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If You Are NOT Using A Flat Sheet On Your Bed, You're Fucking Disgusting

This subject shouldn’t be talked about on The Today Show and it shouldn’t be talked about here because this should not be a controversy. EVERYONE should be using a flat sheet. If you do not use a flat, you are fucking disgusting. Period.

There are only two situations in which NOT using a flat is acceptable:

1) You’re homeless. You have much bigger fish to fry. Like for starters, just getting a bed. (Although, I bet if you had your choice you would use a flat sheet because you’re a homeless person, not a complete and total savage.)

2) You’re camping. Only a complete lunatic would bring a flat sheet with them to use as the barrier between the sleeping bag that’s never been washed and your skin. You’re camping and in turn one with nature, this is not the time for domestic bliss or toilets.

If you are not in either of those situations and you do not have a flat sheet on your bed, you’re just plain gross. In fact, most of you even have a flat sheet- you just elect not to use it. Why? Because you’re too damn lazy to make your bed everyday and having a flat sheet is one extra thing to worry about, one extra thing to clean.

Fellas, some things are worth the extra effort.

Take this chick for example:

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Imagine her in your bed. You’ve already managed to go through the hard work of getting her INTO your bed. You put yourself out there. You made the sweet phone calls, sent the adorable-but-not-too-desperate texts. You spent the money on the nice dinners. You did everything that’s required to get a sophisticated women like that (that’s probably out of your league) in your bed, and you want to lose her over an absentee flat sheet?

Notice what she’s laying on. If you think for a second she’s not going to notice that you don’t have a flat sheet and immediately wonder, “Gross. When is the last time he washed this comforter? Has he ever washed it? What else doesn’t he clean properly?”- you’re dead wrong.

Be better than just a comforter. Take the extra step and put a fresh clean flat sheet on your bed. You and your sex life deserve it.

(P.S. Some of the guys here in the office didn’t know what a flat sheet was: it’s a sheet. Not the sheet that’s difficult to fold that goes over your mattress, but the flat sheet that goes on top of that and below the comforter.)