Every person is the sum of the situation they were born into, how they were raised, the people they surrounded themselves with, and the cards they’ve been dealt. In every day life we see the world not as it is, but as we see it. It’s the basis of “his side, her side, and the truth.”
Unfortunately, for most of us our reality and our truth is the only thing that exists or matters.
We’re all guilty of it. And we all need help and guidance to get out of our own way.
Enter Dear Lizzy, an advice column for anyone who’s struggling with any part of their life and wants unbiased, impartial advice.
To be clear, I am not a therapist and I am not pretending to be a therapist or a life coach. My opinion and resolution to a problem/concern/situation is just that: an opinion. I don’t know you and the only information I will have is what is specifically disclosed to me, but sometimes all you need is a fresh set of eyes to see things clearly.
So let’s fucking do it!
Send me your questions, I’ll listen, and thoughtfully answer, always keeping it real. You may not like what I have to say, but maybe your story will help someone else who’s going through something similar or inspire someone to take action and a leap of faith.
Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and be sure to sign off with a tagline that best describes your situation and not your real name (ex: Signed, Desperately Seeking To Exit The Friendzone).
Let’s get this rolling!
So I was wondering about getting advice for how to deal when your boyfriend is not ready to get married but you are. We are going to get married, but he is living at home to save money (he has plenty saved though) and doesn’t want to get married while I am in graduate school for the next 2.5 years. Also, we aren’t allowed to live together or else my parents won’t pay for my wedding. So, how do I deal with that and are there any ways to encourage him to change his mind?
Can’t Hardly Wait
Dear Can’t Hardly Wait,
Slow. Your. Roll.
Are there ways to encourage him to change his mind? Think about that for a second. Are there ways to encourage someone who doesn’t want to marry you right now, to marry you? Do you really want to be in marriage where you had to convince your boyfriend to marry you? Does that sound like the start of happily ever after? “Well I really wanted to get married so I pushed him into it and we’ve been together for 45 years, each year more blissful than the last.”
That has never happened, will never happen.
But it may just be the perfect path towards resentment. Fun!
Instead of focusing on what you don’t have yet [marriage], why don’t you focus on what you do have? It sounds like you both have a lot going on right now – you with grad school and him with his parent’s basement – and you should enjoy where you are instead of romanticizing the future.
As much as I’m sure it’s annoying that he lives with his parents, being poor fucking sucks and stepping into a new life with someone who has his financials in order is pretty damn sexy. Debt is not a panty-dropper. A savings account that has more than the monthly transfer minimum required to keep the account afloat, now THAT’S napkin-worthy.
Also, I have to say… if you’re not moving in together because you want your parents to pay for the wedding, then you are definitely NOT ready for marriage. If your parents are still dictating the choices you make, now might be the perfect time to ride the “daddy is still paying for everything” wave, and stop trying to make major life decisions that are dictated by the same people who forced you to eat your veggies.
You have the rest of your life to married and deal with the 2.5 kids and mortgage.
Enjoy your 20s (and sex) while you can.