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Tom Brady's Secret Exposed: He's 'Sleeping With a Witch'

Right Wing WatchEnd Times broadcaster Rick Wiles freaked out a bit on his “TruNews” program on Friday over reports that New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady participates in pre-game rituals designed by his wife, Gisele Bundchen:

Brady said Bundchen “always makes a little altar for me at the game because she just wills it so much,” complete with pictures of his children.

“And I have these little special stones and healing stones and protection stones and she has me wear a necklace and take these drops she makes, I say all these mantras,” Brady said. “And I stopped questioning her a long time ago. I just shut up and listen.”

Wiles said that while people might be tempted to laugh off such rituals, there is nothing funny about the fact that Brady is “sleeping with a witch.”

“It’s obvious that Tom Brady has no spiritual discernment at all,” Wiles said. “He’s being led through life by a witch.”

“He’s sleeping with a witch,” Wiles added. “There’s deep spiritual ramifications for that. He’s sleeping with a witch. His soul is defiled because he’s having intimate relations with a witch.”

I don’t say this very often but … Dammit, Brady! Now they’re onto you. You couldn’t leave well enough alone. You had to go run your mouth and exposed yourself. Now the whole world knows wherein lies the secret of all your success: Dark magic.

I’ve been onto this for a while, just because it seemed so obvious. How else could the 199th pick, who had to fight with Drew Henson for playing time at Michigan, was the 7th quarterback taken and was drafted behind Giovanni Carmozzi – who’s now a goat farmer – become the GOAT? The only logical explanation is supernatural forces at work.  How else could he and Gisele keep looking like this if not by sorcery?

Patrick McMullan Archives

You can’t tell me you can age like that without drinking unicorn blood.

Look at Brady’s whole career. It’s been one spell after another:

–The Tuck Rule call? The Confundus charm.

–All of Adam Vinatieri’s game winning kicks? The floating spell Wingardium Leviosa.

–Coming back from his ACL tear? Skelegrow.

–Pete Carroll deciding to throw the ball from the 2? The Obliviate spell.

–The Comeback against Atlanta? He disarmed them with Expelliarmus.

And that doesn’t even scratch the surface of the dark, sinister, evil shit the Coach Who Shall Not Be Named is into, with his mind control tricks, his weather spells that take air out of footballs, his powers to jam your helmet radios and his psychic ability to spy on your signals.

End Times broadcaster Rick Wiles is no mere delusional, Evangelical, fundamentalist crackpot. He’s onto something. He’s blown the biggest scandal in sports history wide open. And in the process, probably gave Roger Goodell all the proof he needs to take all 12 Patriots draft picks away and suspend Death Eater Brady for four games. And it’s all Brady’s fault. Thanks for nothing.